LITTLE ON THE EDGE

Just like a flower.

2011-02-13T15:11:00.001+05:30

Since the past few days , I can’t help but remember the day when I won second place in Western singing :D. It was the best birthday gift, since it also had me beating the coolest girl in high school. Ms. Anna Rego :D.

I remember singing Just like a Flower that magical afternoon. I remember Ms. Pearl, our then Social Studies teacher and one of the judges, smiling approvingly as I sang. I remember asking a fellow contestant if she was nervous , but all she did was give a shrug She seemed so confident that I was sure I wouldn’t be able to go on stage. But I did , and I won.

I remember that day ,because that was the only time , in my high school life that I felt genuinely happy .

As I went up to the microphone , I recall being scared of the crowd all looking up at me and being scared of my own voice echoing through the room. It was surreal. I was so proud of myself .I had managed to make my presence known and become one of Ms. Pearl’s favourites.

But that wasn’t how it ended. The things I had achieved that afternoon were soon snatched away from me, because I was a coward. The disappointed look on ma’am face was what hurt me the most, I guess. Oh, I’d love to blame her for putting me through hell. But it was all my choice; And I wasn’t aware of it.

What surprised me today was that I wished for that day to repeat itself , so that I could change my hurtful past. I had not realized that that day had actually come to mean a lot to me. My birthday gift.

Anyway let bygones be bygones . Isn’t that what I meant in my last post? I’m moving on.

Just like a flower when winter begins

Just like a candle blown out in the wind

Just like a bat that can no longer fly

I’m feeling that way sometimes.

I feel I’m falling weighed down by a load

I picture a light at the end of the road

I’m closing my eyes ,I can see through the dark

The dream that is in my heart.

A little loving, a little giving ,

To build a dream for the world we’re living

A little patience and understanding

For our tomorrow a little peace.

A little sunshine , a sea of gladness

To wash away all our tears of sadness

A little hoping , a little praying

For our tomorrow ,a little peace.

Grateful.

2011-02-12T19:58:00.001+05:30

This year has been everything I'd wished and more.So much more. I get up everyday , sometimes unsure of things, of myself, of all the things the day might bring and I don't let it get to me . If I were me from last year , I would have whined , felt sorry for myself , wallowed in grief convinced that my head was showing me signs that the day would be a disaster. Such was my state.

But now , I get up everyday with a smile.If things go wrong , I know better than to waste my time thinking about it. I have a goal in mind , to reach heights that would make me proud of myself more than anyone else! This year's been charged with energy that seems to be working for my benefit. Opportunities abound . There are lessons to be learnt, people to be met, their stories to be uncovered, knowledge to be had, information to be hogged on....there's so much out there and so little time. :D

I recently had the chance to meet a wonderfully talented person who's become a great friend of mine. She's portrays qualities that I would very much like to be my own , though she denies being anything that great. Both of us have come to appreciate ourselves , who we are , what we've been through; We agree that life till now has made us who we are and we very well can't stop here ,can we?

You could say that this year has made me wanna be grateful for EVERYTHING. I love what I study! I've never felt that way about my subjects .But I'm so glad I'm one of those lucky ones who would probably get to enjoy her job one day. I have a best friend Fassu who's been there for me through thick and thin and I always wonder how I got so lucky. I absolutely LOVE my mother . Who knew my brain would just click one day , and show me the true meaning of listening , listening to her? I love my freedom in the hostel . I dream of studying abroad and going to places , meeting exciting people and you know what? I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen someday . That's my destiny ;)

I'm grateful and content .

College! Here I come! :D

2011-01-09T12:40:00.000+05:30

So a new semester's round the corner and I'm all set with my new wardrobe, excited about a whole new experience that waiting to happen!

I'll be getting back to my old routine but with a new zeal to actually make these days worthwhile.I'm done whining about 'irritating friends' , depressing hostel
with an even more depressing menu, lonely nights and difficult subjects. I'm done looking at someone else and wishing myself to be more like him.
I'm done wasting my time running away.

This time i vow to change things for the better.Hell, I want to make my life worthy to be lived.I might as well get myself a boyfriend ; )

Wish me luck people!

Stop It, please.

2011-01-02T16:26:00.001+05:30

I can't take it anymore!

Your constant bickering ,your cursing, your damaged heart.It's like you've completely forgotten how to enjoy anymore.

I know you're hurt.I know what you go through everyday.But surely that doesn't mean you should give up on yourself.

You've been strong before, and I don't see why you should stop fighting now.Have you forgotten the days when you hung out with your friends and caught up on a movie???Have you forgotten what it felt to be on your two feet and march into the unknown?

Have you forgotten how you loved reading those romantic novels?

Has your life scarred you so much that you feel if you could just hold on and just kept on breathing,it'll be enough to get you by?And that that's all you'll need to keep us safe?

Have you forgotten how to truly smile?

Have you forgotten how to enjoy laughing?

Have you forgotten that you deserve being loved too?

Have you not realised that your life could be more than this? Do you not understand what Im trying to tell you???

Why cant you read anymore?Why have you reduced yourself to being a victim, such pettty thoughts?

You could turn the whole picture upside down if you wanted...if you thought you still had the strength to .

You could still manage to have your share of fun out of all this. You could still enjoy talking about what you love.

Stop worrying so much.It pisses me off! If you can't use your wits and give eye for an eye ,atleast learn to ignore.

I don't think i can listen to you anymore.Its just so sad, seeing you do the things that you do.....

Why can't you understand that your life is important too?

I just can't take it; you wasting your life like this.

You know, I pray for you everyday.

All i can do is hope that it won't be too late for you.

Raining Dogs. :D

2010-12-31T17:19:00.000+05:30

It's really been a long time since I last posted. Honestly my life hasn't been any less boring than before.There have been moments of insanity brought on by boredom.

But all in all I can say , I've not reached the point where I would consider killing myself.

For a person who's stuck at home for most part of the holidays ,my only entertainment can be TV, my lappy and my dear Mom.

She really has her way with words.If one can go past the high pitched screaming, one would be able to see that being a housewife is really a tough job.What with the nosy neighbours ,the noisy kids and the cute yet irritating puppy that seems to have made the whole place its playground.

Now you must understand that my mom loves animals.Dogs are her favourite.She feeds any bony creature that comes along because she just can't bear their plight.

This is really sweet of her,I admit.But this also means going up against people who can't stand the howling and the littering rascals.But that hasn't deterred mom.Oh no.

As any common story would have it, this one too wasn't without a villain.The old man aka The Matharo, who frankly is bored out of his mind to be picking a fight at this age.

You see Matharo had once expressed his disgust at having to see fur on the roads he walked.It was harsh but he was entitled to his feelings. However this only made mommy dearest even more vigilant.Her sneaky attempts to drop off food became timed ,like early in the mornings when it was dark out and her customers were reduced to a specific group of the malnourished .She was so dedicated to the task that one failed assignment kept her up at night .It was like a silent war was being fought right behind my house .Matharo was relentless in getting his proof and even managed to fool mom once ,making it seem as if no one were at home,but in reality was standing right by the window of a dark room.He was intelligent alright.But mom had caught the bluff soon enough .He attempted other strategies but I guess nothing beat keeping a watch 24/7 sitting on his porch.

Its an ongoing, hilarious mind game ,one that I'm sure won't come to an end at all.

And then there's the new enemy,The Pup.According to what Ive heard from mom,the little runt likes to be the centre of attention and play with people's legs.Its cute ,but not cute enough to melt her.The pup seems to scare away all the dogs -Distress reason #1;And our wuss of a 'guard dog' that we have brought up in our household prefers shitting in the compound rather than biting off the little rascal's head -Distress #2.Its all very frustrating indeed.

The dogs are an integral part of her life now, and I had secretly hoped she would lay off me since they kept her busy. But these duties have made her more agitated than before.She both hates and loves her' kids'.They give her a hard time,never letting her enjoy her trips away from home.But she worries about them nonetheless.

She loves talking about them, though it can be a bit confusing as she seems to curse them wholeheartedly at the same time .You see ,she knows it affects her .And being the kind of person who tenses up every minute of the day ,its doesn't help if one of the dogs doesn't come at the assigned time.Sigh

I can only hope for a better year for her and her dogs.Personally I just hope they keep her busy ;).

Happy New Year Everyone :P

Holidays!!!!!!!!

2010-06-21T11:45:00.001+05:30

Totally psyched about holidays ,I started off promising to stick with the to-do list this time .But alas!That was not to happen. Confusion confusion. There were so many movies to watch ! Therefore ended up watching two per day with the rest of the time spent wandering from room to room screaming my head off as a result of boredom. Newspaper and other requirements neglected ,I sat disinterested in my room wondering how I was going to spend one and a half more months of this .A lazy ,fat assed girl like me grew even more weary of the bed as the days passed by turning into to weeks

Sigh.

I'm not even into blogging so much anymore .Its either Facebook or Twitter to irritate people with my mindless mumbo-jumbo.

What do i do? is the mantra i say everyday,only to notice the day has almost ended and its time for Castle .

Sitting at home won't solve my problems .Therefore suggestions are welcome :P

Brand New Eyes

2010-05-23T15:13:00.001+05:30

Yesterday’s post had a very optimistic feel to it...when compared to several of my previous posts. Its a sad thing to notice in a blog. A dejected person always whining is not how I wanna spend my life. :)

Have you ever tried to forget everything you’ve learnt till now. Your beliefs, your ideas on various subjects, the memories good or bad associated with different smells or time of the day...etc etc.

I wanna try doing that. You know ,forget what i was before. I’ve been wishing for sometime to be able to look at things with a new perspective, with brand new eyes; feel everything i’ve felt before yet again, and feel for real this time and make my assessment ..........no not assessment but just enjoy them as they come ,good or bad. And make it a whole new experience from the start.

No previous judgements hindering me this time. Now how do i do this????

This means changing my whole life around.Is that even possible.

I read somewhere that it is.

“The whole world is what YOU think of you
So think of it differently and your life will change. “ :) :)

P.S. man! Sem exams on friday and im wasting my tiem getting distracted!!!I really need to get my head in the game :(.....I HATE STUDYING!!!

Fingers crossed!

2010-05-22T17:15:00.001+05:30

They say ,if you have the conviction and if you believe in yourself and the changes you see around you or in you is the pleasant outcome you’ve always wished for ,nothing’s gonna stop you. We hear so many stories about ordinary people making it big, or someone who’s expected to be so shattered by his misfortune that it comes as a great shock to see him smiling and continuing with the same zest for life as he had before. There’s so much optimism swirling around it you can’t help but hope.

Truth be told ,it is hard and demands a lot from you and i guess ,that’s the main reason why I never trusted in this simple truth enough to give it a try. My problems may be small ,but if I try ,I can just hope i get to the place where I want to .

Many decisions have been made in my head ,and most of the time many of those have never been followed through. I’m a bit apprehensive , ‘cause whatever I’ve done till now, has been a half hearted effort. Nothing for which i can say i gave it my best shot. So you can see my dilemma in trusting my own will.
I’ve got an idea right now .I’m pretty sure if I do this it’s gonna help a lot in the long run. So good luck to me!

Today
I burned the rice
(Sad little black grains that only Chinese water torture could remove from the pot)
I missed my train
(A caterpillar of white cars closed off its doors and inched into the dark wormhole of a tunnel without me)
it rained and
I forgot my umbrella
(Somehow, a drop found that space between my coat, my shirt, and my skin, and cold water dripped down my back).

But

I’ve got a dollar in my pocket
and there are all these excellent puddles on the ground
just right for jumping in.
There’s a smile on my face
and the day is looking up.

P.S again ,i didn't write this :P
Check out my friend Maddy's blog....man!she's got talent!

Does it mean ,another chapter closed?

2010-04-18T20:24:00.002+05:30

The past few weeks were spent in complete emotional turmoil.I get like this when there's someone involved .Yeah i'm talking about a new crush alright .U see,when i develop a crush on someone,and it extends upto a few weeks ,i'll know for sure its gonna stick for way too long ,probably turning me into a neurotic mess.And that my friends was how i lived for the past couple of weeks.Hanging on every word spoken ,dissecting every minute detail and blowing it to a larger size,desperately searching for meanings to understand where this is heading.Kind of reminds me of the character Gigi form He's just not that into you.Yeah, its the usual tale of every girl with a crush :).But it's over now........................i hope.

Yesterday had a nice chat with a person who in a short time has become a good friend of mine,or I'd like to think so .I think of ourselves as two lost souls ,travelling in the same boat .He prefers to think he's crazy.I was all pissed for reasons,God knows why.I blamed it on the people staying at my house.So invariably i turned to him for his pearls of wisdom :D.I ask way too many questions.Sometimes all one needs to do is let go.I mean its not so easy to forget that we have no control over how things mind end up to be.Anything can happen.So why don't i just go with the flow?

It couldn't hurt so much that it already does right?He continuosly kept stressing on the part of making others happy.Even when people aren't nice to you .Though i don't agree with him now, I know I'll definately see his side of reason .But until then i guess i'll stick with his advice to keep a tab on my anger.

Anyway got to go study for exams or mom might just skin my ass.Dang it!

Beyond mundane

2010-03-28T15:33:00.001+05:30

When i was in high school,my morld seemed to revolve around my self-confidence crisis,my friends and the guys after them.My mom had several stories to tell about the women in the church and in the neighbourhood ,about their lives ,what was their current obsesson ,who was acting as if she were a queen and who wasn't talking to who.

Then i reached college.Now, everyday i have a prayer of thanks to God(I would like to believe that he exists) for giving me an opportunity to see a world beyond mine.There are more people out there ,with different cultures,backgrounds and ideals;speaking diffrent languages ,marked by different colours and working with different mindsets.There is so much out there that we haven't experienced and i'l always will be filled with gratitude for that knowledge.

Life is short .How many times have we heard this and actually understood what it meant?Life is SHORT.A couple or more years and the poof!You're gone .Wiped off from the face of the earth; someone else taking your space.Does that make you feel like doing something extra-ordinary?For me?I don't know. I don't have that drive now.Though it does scare me.

But what makes me wonder more is why I back down whenever there's seems to be an opportunity to grow,to learn.It shouldn't matter what others think or not think,what others see or not see.I have one chance to fill my life with adventures,with friends,with love-anything i want to.Best part and the scary part about this is -its my call ;whether i want to get into a fight with a friend and spoil the whole relationship or so somewhere alone or just stop studying or study to my heart's content etc etc.In the end ,you do whatever makes you happy.

This journey is MINE,mine alone.

When these thoughts visit me ,once in a while , it feels like a a breath of fresh air , life a beautiful sunny mornign,like there's hope-for happiness,contentment.

The decisions I make matter.This independence is a powerful tool.They'll define me and take me where i have eventually end up.

The people i know may or may not be a part of me future.Yet the need for pretense at times is still strong.Why do mundane things in life make us forget the bigger truth?-that these things don't even matter.Yet these are the things that fill our lives ,sometimes barely enough to avoid depression and sometimes to the brim,that it chokes us .

Hypocrite,who ?me?

2010-03-21T15:11:00.002+05:30

I want to write a post and all i can seem to do is cry out in frustration!.I think about going to college tonorrow and the thought doesn't bring me any excitement now.

I accuse my mom of comparing ,but its actually me who keeps doing that every minute if the day!I'm never satisfied,am i?Yet I'm the one who judges others if they are better or worse off than me.I disappoint myself.

I wrinkle my nose and shake my head in disapproval when someone else does it.That makes me a hypocrite now,doesn't it?:|

Whenever i look at myself im never happy with what i have and what i don't have.Am i being too critical o fjust ungrateful? Yet at times ,I am one of those people who look down on others.It's a thought that stays for only a split second,but it leaves a bad taste when its gone.

I worry about what I have to answer to people even when i know that what's happening is something so minor,yet blown out of proportions.I have a choice.I always have a choice.But I tend to forget that everytime and give into the daily trends wherever it might be,at home,at college ,at hostel ,anywhere.I do what everybody does.Yet i claim to be different,think differently.Does anyone have any clue what I'm talking about?

I'm weak.I have this hazy view of myself.I'm frustrated,comfused as ever.Why does everyone look as if they have everything sorted.I know that's not the case.But still ,they seem to go through each day as if they know exactly what they're doing.Maybe not as planned ,but prepared anyway.

Im scared to make decisions .I mean,Its simple .It can be either this or that.But for me,if i choose Way 1,i start wondering about what could have been had I chosen Way 2.Its the fear of being wrong that doesn't let me grow, the fear of making mistakes that doesn't let me learn and adapt, the failure to do something about ignorance because of laziness is what that makes me weak.

Life can be exciting of i will it to be.But it's sad that I can't seem to control my head.It's really sad.

I'm a hypocrite
How about you?

Do you ever get so disgusted with yourself
that you sort of just want to shake your head
and laugh at how pathetically fake you are?
Do you ever feel sick at how often
you become everything you say you hate?
how often you're the opposite
of everything you want to be?

I'm a liar
How about you?

Does it ever occur to you
that everything you say about yourself is
just a makeshift disguise?
Do you ever wonder
If all your words are just that -
Words, and nothing more?
Does it ever frighten you
How easy it is to pretend?

I'm a coward
How about you?

Have you ever been so scared
that you find yourself making all the betrayals
you promised yourself you never would?
Has it ever hit you between the eyes
that most of your glowing ideals are
a hell of a lot easier said than done?
and that you're brave enough to say all these things
but not enough to live them?
Have you ever loved someone
and not told them
because you were afraid
no one else would understand?

I'm shallow
How about you?
[This is the worst.]

Have you ever congratulated yourself
on your depth of thought
and your understanding of things
Only to find you've forgotten
the starving and the orphans,
the persecuted and the enslaved,
because you were crying over how ugly you felt?
Have you ever talked about how
"What's on the inside counts"
All the while knowing you'd much rather be seen
[and see yourself, in fact]
with the people who dress right, act right, smell right?

Have you, have you?
Have you ever been like me?

Have you ever left a better man
for a better looking one?
Have you ever left a good person
for a popular one?

Have you ever left a powerful relationship for an easy one?

Yes, we can say a lot of things,
but doing them, that's another matter entirely
Sometimes I wonder,
Does it even matter what we say?
Is it really all just empty words?

Oh friends
Can't we all just stand and confess
We're not the heroes and saints
we'd like to believe we are?

If we're going to be liars
Can't we at least be honest liars?

I am a hypocrite, a liar, a coward and all the rest . . .
How about you?

P.S i didn't write this.But whoever did,thanks :)

wAKE uP!

2010-03-01T20:53:00.000+05:30

So here i had three holidays to do something......something that could ,you know,be of importance.But i just chose to spend most of it whining about "not feeling" like doing anything....Though i don't think i would have studied anyway.....

Anyway i watched Wake Up Sid! today...better late than never :D.The song ,at the end of the movie actually inspired me more than the movie.I just thought Sid had it easy his whole life,so didn't actually feel him "waking".But that's another matter.The lyrics-i listened to the song today ,and i just loved them.How many of us live life like that.

You my life till now was concerned only with my inability to talk to people or my marks or how to make my life like my brother's.I always considered other things wayu back in my list of priorities.But you know what,i didn't do much about it.Sure i whined about it,and actually forced to change myself,I still think there's more i can do.

The songs talks about doing something,let it be crying or laughing .Anything.Everything you do,is in one way or another important.I mean COME ON!this is your life ,a short one at that.Wouldn't you wanna die knowing you didn't waste any of your time.Now i don't wanna think about dying and all.But i know for sure i hate the word REGRET.I actually thought helping people ,was a waste of time.Part of me wanted to help,Part of me complained.That's not how i wanna be.I wanna live knowing that what i do ,whenever i do it,has a meaning and is worth it.

So let's see how this attitude works out for me.

waqt hai kya tumako pata hai na
so gayi raat jaake din hai abb jaag utha
aankhein masalata hai saara yeh sama
aawaazein bhi leti hai angadaayiya
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

yeh jo kahein woh jo kahein sun lo
baat jo sahin dil ko lage chun lo
karana hai kya tumhe yeh tum hi karo faisala
yeh soch lo tumakao jaana hai kahaan
tum hi musaafir tum hi toh ho kaarwaan
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

aaj bhi dekho kal jaisa hi na ho
aaj bhi yuun na tum sote hi raho
itane kyun sust ho kuchh kaho kuchh suno, kuchh na kuchh karo
ro padon ya hanso jindagi mein koyi na koyi toh rang bharo
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

(wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno) - (2)
wake up

My honest scrap :)

2010-02-13T11:44:00.000+05:30

Ramit gave this to me.Honestly wasn't my name obvious?What did you think it meant?:P

Anyway i'm supposed to write 10 honest things about me.I'l try.Sorry if i bore you to death.Will try as hard as i can to shorten the post .So here goes :

1.Death.I had never thought I'd be one of those people who would get to see their loved one die.I mean ,when your just 6 or 7,maybe i got the age wrong,i don't remember ,and you've seen it happening in serials its a bit hard to come to terms with the fact that it happens in real life. So i guess one can understand why i sat there smiling when asked my the photographer to sit still.Though the loss was too great,i'm guilty for not feeling that sad and that it hasn't affected me in a major way.

2.I have this empty feeling when i think about the place i'd lived my first 12 years in.It feels like it never happened.NO.Actually it feels like a distant memory.Like i know for a fact i was there,but just dont know how i lived there.Thinking back ,i seemed i can't understand how, without my relatives that i have now,i lived there.That place feels dark and lonely.

3.One of my regrets was hurting my Aunt.Even though i wasn't close to her,she loved me as far as i know.I met her once in a year,n a brat that i was ,i used to visit her only because i could play with her kittens.But the last time i met her,there weren't any.So as usual ,i threw a tantrum forcing my mom to leave without even sitting for a drink. I feel sick for being so stubborn and selfish.Wonder why my mom didn't slap some sense into me right then ....:(I'm so sorry.

4.I was so happy when my mom had agreed to give me what i had wanted.I couldn't believe it!This was huge , i knew.It was permanently going to change our lives.That's when she dropped the bomb.It wasn't going to be 2 but 3 .I was furious.I didn't want to see reason.But of course she was right.I couldn't take care of her then could i?So though i got what i wanted ,I had to put up with the catch .Should i be asking ,was it fair?I dunno.I guess it was for the best.Better than that lonely place.I got warmth for accepting the deal.SO there was something good in it.Sorry for not elaborating.Guess i'm not being fully honest here .

5.I was easily influenced by what others thought and did.So it didn't take me much time to get a boyfriend.He was sweet and loving.But i was scared.Sure i liked him.But i wasn't ready.Wasn't ready to get into a relationship.It was my first time of course.So i pushed him out.I had a good reason ,or so i told my self.Haven't gone out with anyone since coz i learnt that what i wanted wasn't going to be a waste of time.It was going to be real.And i didn't want it to be uncomfortable.So i knew i wan't ready.I still am not.Not yet.

6.After moving here,I had many ups and downs.My self-esteem took a huge blow.Saw the cruelties girls had to offer.Learnt who my good friends were and who i had to stay away from.Took a lot of time to learn that.But i grew into what i am today.So i guess what happened is ok.Wouldn't like to go back though,not for the world.:)

7.My second year at pre-university college was a blast.I became the assistent class rep.That's when i made my best buddies.I got to shout ,scream ,curse people .Pursue someone i had a huge crush on for the whole year,not considering the fact that he turned out to be a complete jerk.

8.I still can't figure out how to not give a rat's ass to what others think about me.I want to be able to ignore them,prove to them they're wasting time and occasionally give them a piece of my mind.Unfortunately,when it comes to talking ,i forget words .Pathetic :DOh yes i want to slap people when i want to ,kick them and punch them.....Can't i do that?

9.As i've mentioned before,i still have no idesa why my friends stick by me.I feel i pretend.Hopefully one day i'd see myself through their eyes and maybe understand something about friendship and really feel like i deserve them.

10.I don't know what my definition for successful is right now or what's it going to be in years to come.Yes i want to be successful.Maybe jobwise, with a lot of money but only because i earned it .And i should love my job and love working hard for it.So why can't i bring myself to see this as a sure thing in my future?

Is this what was expected from me?Or have i done something wrong?

Anyway i would like some people to be honest and share something with me.Only if you want to.

1)Dayanand

2).Divinediu

3)Sissy

4)Blunt edges(don't know ur name )

5)Sulagna( hey happy to hear your thoughts)

6)Maddy

I pretty much told you about every major event that has happened in my life.N im sorry if i couldn't tell you everything,atleast i told a part of it :D.

Afraid of falling down

2010-02-12T19:49:00.002+05:30

Its evening.There's cool breeze outside.It just feel so pleasant.And i like a nutcase am cooped up in my room and online(mom doesn't know...hee hee)

I dont know what this obsession is ......to sit indoors and do absolutely nothing of value.

You know i love these times,when it's quiet ,without anyone bickering,gives you ample time to think .And think about nothing in particular,just about the thousand things u seem to learn and forget everyday only to be reminded some other day.

I trust people easily.I can't do that thing where you seem to be bitching about some one in your head and keep a straight and smiling face at the same time.Sure sometimes its easy.But i've noticed evil entities(according to my definition)can do so with ease and its kind of sickening .Well right now this seems like a vague and not well thought of thought .Just something that was running in my mind due to a small event that happened yesterday.Nothing big.Just was a reminder that i dont know anything .People you think who are nice and well "paap" just turn out to be ,well ,nothing like you thought they could.People you thought you had a clear picture of, even if a bit vague,could turn out to be the exact oppposite of it at the oddest times possible forcing you to wonder why you didn't feel it before.

I've learnt that it really doesn't matter.Though the question continually haunts me.It's just that,is that all?Is that all i can experience when im 18?Is the rest of my life going to be full of THIS ?

I like asking such questions ,but i never seem to get an answer that really satisfies me.Surely life must be more that this.Everyone's ultimate goal in life is contentment.I don't know what i want at this moment.Too confused;a bundle of nerves .There are competions going to be held this semester,and honestly speaking im terrified thinking about something i've never done before.Will i have to have courage to go ahead and try out something i've never done in my life and have no clue whatsoever about where to start.My brother says it's all about learning ,I agree.But im scared shitless.

Do i have the courage to take part and do something completely out of my comfort zone and be glad to make a fool of myself?Honestly,that's what i'm afraid of afterall.Turn out to be completely oppposite to him.Which i am,no doubt about it.

I wanna learn.Is it too late to learn???Mom says so.

Just afraid of falling down and hurt myself badly.

I hate it when i make excuses.

Luckily i've found the the rightness of trusting my intuitions coz something or the other seems to go wrong if i don't .

The blog contest

2010-02-06T20:00:00.000+05:30

Hey ppl...i just read about this competition -"THE BLOG CONTEST" rather bythe colous magazine.This should be fun.All we have to do is submit our best post in the january month .That's it.No filling forms,no struggling over the details .Now isn't that simple!

So why don't you join in too ?:)

Meeting memorable

2010-02-06T19:10:00.000+05:30

And so i'm back!

College didn't start with a bang.....but i guess i knew it wouldn't .Took some time to adjust again and then i just started having a good time.So YAY!

A very good friend of mine came all the way to Nitte to visit his friends from Aloy.Actually I hadn't ecpected him to do so.We had agreed to meet at a common library after many months later, but he had slept off :D.hehe.

Anyway ,on tuesday i get a msg in the lunch break he's here.I run to finish my lunch and meet him.But during that period a wave of nostalgia hits me and i smile.This was the guy who had this thing about girls-he hated them!He considered all of them scary ,manipulating people who loved to waste time i guess.He admitted he didn't like me at first .That had come as a shock considering we were on friendly terms when he revealed it .Plus the fact that i was kinda his assistant in monitoring our class.We had become good friends over time and now we are best buddies.

And now we were going to meet after so many months.I admit i was nervous.But then ,everything turned out fine.I had a good time.I was really glad to meet him and he even bought me a birthday gift.Hadn't expected him to and i was like ,wow,I have really good friends.I'm sorry i just didn't know how to write this in a better way.Don't have an idea.Just wanted to share this with you guys .

And Thanks a lot buddy.You've been there when i was crazy and delusional and irritating and you've always managed to clear my doubts on so many questions i keep throwing at you.Thanks a lot.I really liked the keychain!

I wish ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

2010-01-26T07:14:00.000+05:30

Coll starts from tomo........NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I don't wanna go back to that place.I don't know what was so horrible with it.Probably the thought if spending another 4-6 months in that hell.God !Everyone says hostel is so much fun,but i just can't seem to remember one thing that made me like that place.And now i have to go back.

Same ol' pretension,same ol' loneliness,same ol' bitchiness,same ol' thoughts about trying to prove i'm not llike somebody else.........I don't think i'l be able to take another dose of it again!

I wish for a new beginning,a new way of life,maybe a little more sync with my thoughts,a little more in touch with myself ,a little slowing down to see the world around.

I hope i'm able to realize what's truly important to me and NOT waste my time on dramas.

I hope i can be myself :)

Just pray for a new start .

Friendship

2010-01-21T07:45:00.001+05:30

Ive never considered myself as a good friend..I dunno...

Sometimes i go out of the way for someone even though its not needed and when they don't do the same for me ,I feel that im gettign snubbed.Be it a small thing as expecting a friend to wait for and not go off with his/her new friennds.

But then growing up i realised my foolishness.

Back when i was a kid,when i wasnt even living in this town ,i used to revel in bossing over others.I was always telling my so called friends what to do,how to behave,who to talk to and the bad part was they listened.My head bloated up i guess .It was ridiculous

It quite hilarious considering what i'd done and what I've become.My old friends would never recognise me now-and i'm not talking about the looks depatment.

Here i went to an all girls school.They stripped me off of whatever confidence i had left after "THE SHIFT".
I turned into an emotional wreck.A bundle of nerves.Here i started questioning friendship.I came to understand or rather saw the ugly side of girls that i never knew existed till then.I had been naive.I only got through the whole ridiculois thing only because of a few of the girls and i owe my sane-ness to them.

After that catasrophe,i guess i've learnt to think a lot and i never learnt to stop trusting each and every human being.I just got hurt .I changed over the years with the help of my friends .

Anyway back to the question i always try to find an answer to-Am i a good friend?sure i'd try and keep my friends happy ,but sometimes part of me gets irritated .Sometimes i'm asked to do favours ;sometimes i do them ,sometimes i don't .A reason for this might me my laziness considering the favour at hand doesnt really require my doing it .If the job at hand really is a small deal ,and the friend asking me isn't a close one ,I dont do it without complaining in my head.Is it bad to be doing that?is it ok to feel lazy?

I\m ot one of those people who has the first idea to get up and get a present for someone.Or congratulate someone for their achievement.i guess you could call me socially inept.Don't get me wrong.I love my friends,and considering my experience im just happy to have them.But am i taking them for granted?I guess i am,a couple of times

Its always a fluctuating personality with me-once im this,once im that.Not stable ;comletely unsure of how I'd behave in a particular situation and whether i like what i end up doing.U know i decide what to do,and end up doing something else.It like I dont have any control over my mind and it freaks me out.

Well i don't think i really wrote what i set out to .But its ok .I'll deal with this problem later when i can understand it properly to put it in words

Ciao.

Just plain Pissed....:|

2010-01-16T12:08:00.001+05:30

GOD!.....IM SO FRIGGIN' PISSED!........

its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .

Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .

MOMMY MOMMY WHAT DO I DO ?????

2010-01-12T12:44:00.000+05:30

My mom's done a lot for me,sent me to all the right classes.But i always stopped halfway,EACH AND EVERYTIME!,and i'm pretty sure i've disappointed her like a zillion times.I bet she always wonders what might have been.......if i had completed those courses,not shied away everytime someone asked me to sing in front of a bunch of oldies (that terrified me!)and not allowed some other kid to take away the limelight and had wanted to become a doctor rather than an engineer....

It always brought a smile to her face whenever i played my guitar,whatever little i knew ...she paid so much and i think she deserves better.

Yesterday was just like any other day except when i decided to take out my guitar and play some songs...n i always practise with the same set of chords ...well she need not know that ... anyway she then asked me if i ever practised the lead of some of the songs that sir had taught me and that was enough for me to snap at her...

Pissed and guilty i went to my room and i thought about what she's done for me ,and i see or rather make up a future(for i'm really good at that,and my dream today was so awesome......there are these zombies or these infected ppl and my family turns into them....im like 14 ,,....and as usual im the hero of the story,,,i kill others and try to find out a way to reverse the process of zombification ...anyway im back with my sane family,4 years later but its like a place hidden from the infected.We have schools there,and there's this group of ppl or rather army...that recruits youngsters like us........yeah my dreams are weird...and this must be a mixture of terminator and resident evil....hee hee)....

Ahem,back to whatever i was writing.Ah the future, i see a proud mother and blah blah and i say to myself ...i'm gonna do something about whatever talent i have ..make somethin of myself and with all this pep talk i practice my guitar

But I'm not convinced ...........u see, i might say a lot of things ,but i dont do them .i leave things in the middle if it doesn't work out or if it messes up my tv schedule .... and so i don't trust myself with anything i think in my head.Then i remind myself -ONE DAY AT A TIME.I do believe in living life this way .....but its hard .

I've always admired the girls of my age who know what they want and then diligently working towards it.Its really frustrating when u've got all these thoughts in your head....and its only you there....i mean yeah you can always talk to people ,let it all out ,but there's no guarantee they'd understand at all or think its no big deal or just not have time to listen....

Anyway on that happy thought ,i'l go back to sulking.Sry for jumping from one topic to another

PS.I saw this cute guy today ,and damnit i didn't smile at him.well its not like i would have really ,but then i had this pissed off look on my face caused by my messing up the riding session of my mom's Pleasure leading to growling and screaming on the road...yeah pretty good day....and my bro's getting on my nerves ..can i write so much on post scripts?????

3 idiots :D

2010-01-08T17:16:00.000+05:30

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!!

So today my friends and i made a plan to watch a movie in adlabs-3 IDIOTS.

i was sceptical about this.I thought AVATAR would have been a better option.It came as a shock to me when one of my friends told me-what's there in that movie?...n i was like..what the..?..helloooooooo...that movie's awesome (forgive my vocab...i have no other words to describe its awesomeness)....i mean can't you just see the promos and be blown away???her answer-no,not at all

this ain't right....did she actually say that????

i stare at her.....i continue staring....i still stare at her till i realise she has nothing more to say about it.

i guess everyone has their own opinion about stuff.

Anyway ,we moved on and watched the movie-3 IDIOTS.Must say ,it wasn't that bad.Infact it was great.Though i guess it didn't have that effect that JAB WE MET had on me.I guess i'm a sucker for romance.Well not in real life.I guess it'll be all awkward for me and i'll probably run away.

Back to the movie,it has some elements of 5 point someone.And the story was quite unrealistic.It was very funny yes.Though i found it very weird when my friends laughed for something and i didn't;while for other things it was only me laughing while they just looked on(um,something wrong with me?????).Then the end part,the vacuum pump and all,very impressive,but again it was too hard for me to buy it.And Aamir Khan turning into Mr.WAGUNDE or WAGUMBE....the famous scientist..or something like that,now that was totally bogus.But in the end i guess the movie was a treat to watch ,however it was.I'd say it was worth my money ( or rather my mom's-though i don't think she's gonna give me any for avatar :(...)

Not so magical for me :(

2010-01-02T14:26:00.001+05:30

I’ve just reached home from after grocery shopping with my mom and I’m beat.

January 1st,the first day of a brand new year .Oh ,what i had expected and what I got. For me ,who’s become so used to the dullness of life ,sure had an eventful day. Chemistry ,a subject that i hate, and ironically a part of a branch i wish to study was an exam i had to answer yesterday. Hmmmm, it was horrible!...ok maybe i’m exaggerating a li’l bit but yeah, wasn’t as if it was a piece of cake either(not that i expected it to be so easy, but still). And i won’t blame myself that i didn’t study in the week i got. I had (well not that much) coz even if i had it wouldn’t have helped .i had studied after my practical exam and well earnestly .But who knew they would give the questions that i hadn’t studies for :P.Ok maybe this is a lost argument and I should probably stop babbling.

Anyway then comes the afternoon part where i realize i’ve lost my bsnl sim. It shocks me that I’ve become so irresponsible and lazy. Maybe its the hostel ki hawa doing this to me. Anyway I tell my mom about this in the evening after i’ve turned my room upside down .She yells at me, describes how I’m gonna die after dad comes to know and i just stand there appalled by my behaviour staring as she goes on telling me about all the complications I’ve created by my act of stupidity.

Today we go and enquire about the procedure and find out we have to give a police complaint .My mom has to come with me coz the sim’s under her name .We have to walk a lot but in the end all goes well. I get a replacement .

Now comes the very very bad part .Mom had to tell dad about all this. And all i can do is wish for that part to be magically skipped or um, hope that it never happens.......um God? pretty please ,with sugar on top?

I had wished ,as i always end up doing,that this year would be a different one,a special one,that the first day would be pleasant,somewhat magical (yeah yeah real life -no magic stuff but what's the harm in wishing?) .but i guess i was wrong...again :(

Breaking news!

2009-12-20T19:26:00.000+05:30

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!
(only for those who have seen me in person)

Ive finally straightened my hair!......well actually did that on thursday and today i just went in for a trim....christmas i'm all ready for you!

n im not putting my pic...coz im really not that photogenic....

anyway see ya for now.....who knws when il be back:(

I'm addicted to you

2009-12-19T20:24:00.000+05:30

Another day gone to waste :(

My life at present seems to be too caught up in the unhealthy world of TV. I’ve heard people talking about their addiction to cigarettes and alcohol and even porn on various talk shows but I never understood what was so appealing and tempting about it that drew one closer and closer and just swallowed you whole like quicksand and you just couldn’t get out of it .Well now I get the picture.

IM ADDICTED TO TV!....

Whole day I’ve got only one thing on my mind-sit on the couch and stare at that bloody piece of crap! and I don’t even watch educational stuff!
Well...............I don’t actually agree with myself entirely. Movies can be educational....

Today I watched a beautiful movie-Sweet November...well its not a new one on the block and I never bothered to watch it before. The movie’s kinda like A WALK TO REMEMBER.

Charlize’s character was just marvellous. I just loved her attitude to life. She lived it the way she wanted to .Well her having less time in the world is a different matter .Anyway, I guess ,I dunno , but everyone of us ,deep down, would love to be like her-u knw,not thinking about THE job,not thinking about money ,not conforming to the rules of the place( it scares the shit outta me to change and i envy those who aren’t)

One could say that’s shirking away from responsibilities, wasting time thinking about a fool’s paradise by not being serious about what should be and seems to be a predetermined notion of things that are important.

Ah, my head’s spinning.............

Sheesh , why can’t i just think about make-up and boys and revenge tactics all the time...that’ll keep me busy.

Anyway I’ve spent only about three and half hours today studying .That’s it. And this has been the case since the past few days i’ve been home.

I just wanna let go.....of all the feelings ,all the thoughts....just sit and well, do nothing at all...no reminiscing, no painful memories, no daydreaming about incidents i would want to occur, no worrying about my exam BEING ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Panic attack..........................AGHHHHH

at-home-dont-wanna-study-so-wasting-my-time thoughts :D

2009-12-12T11:55:00.000+05:30

been a long time...sometimes i just forget i actually love writing...even when what i write doesnt mean much...i actually started writing or rather discovered i was even interested last year at the time when our college yearbook was asking for articles....

i do wish i could write regularly...n i tell myself whatever excuse i have isnt good enough ....considering im good at making excuses..always saying no ...i just end up irritating the hell out of myself ....

so nowadays i just stay away from my computer...i dont have anything to do....i hate my classes(boooooooooooooooring)......and i just hate the nights i spend after them...i mean i know hostel can be fun....but there's just this void....i mean i can just snap out of it but dont choose too....pathetic is what i feel...

i love being crazy and stupid....that's when i really feel alive ....that's when i enjoy my life the most...that's when i forget to irritate myself with all those thoughts u think when ur so jobless.....

but alas,nowadys there's hardly been a time when i felt that.....should i be blaming the circumstances?......i dunno...

busy busy busy is what i wanna be, i want a tattoo(.....hmmmmm yeah!....)ooooooooh n a guy i like to have as my boyfriend ...i want my best friends to be in the same coll as me ...(fassu ,gautam and alison i do miss aloy)....i wanna be able to piss off my big brother all the time.(hee hee what fun that would be)...i wanna change my hairstyle(im doing it soon enough ,so thank god!)....i wanna stop being lazy(dunno if its ever going to happen in this lifetime ).....i wanna stop sucking at basketball :P....(but hey i think im getting better after i fell :D,i almost kicked ass!)...i wanna laugh n scream n act stupid n first and foremost stop pretending to be good...u kno there are times when u have these angry thoughts in ur head abt a person when he/she is right in front of you but u cant even manage to squeak out even some of them......well i wanna stop doing that.................................
my "want" list just keeps going on ....

ahh.....i feel better already....:)

and now i gtg study for my stupid exams....(ooooooooooooooooh yeah how could i forget...i want exams to be terminated )

buh bye for now :)

Self evaluation is a very tiring job

2009-10-31T17:11:00.000+05:30

For two months i haven't touched my computer...and in these two months ive kinda changed a lot....n i know for sure that this time its for the better.

We all know life's full of ups and downs.Small things can bother me a lot.I start thinking of a thing that might not need so much attention and then unknowingly blow it out of proportions.Worry ,Worry ,Worry -that's what i do and i can never seem to get out of that irritating state of mind.It's so unstable that i need someone to tell me that what i'm thinking and feeling is right.I don't seem to trust myself.God, it pisses me off!

And i can't handle confident people-they intimidate me.You must think i'm a wuss.Don't worry i'm with ya....

There are people who come into your life once in a while who seem like any other person you've met....but what you u don't guess is what impact they can have on your life.Well one such person just happened to come one day and change my feelings by merely telling me that she expected great things from me.And i thought to myself....why do i keep feeding that shit to my head when clearly i'm capable of a lot more .I might not be like my brother,i might certainly not be like that girl in my class who makes me so mad (though i admire her confidence),but i can be the girl i know i am .I'm not a wuss!

Life can be so unreal sometimes....with its maddening way to hurt and confuse you and equally surprising gifts to pacify you that it makes this whole journey all the more pleasant.....

There's still some doubt .....i know i can revert back to the old thinking ..but until then i hope i can do some damage....:D

My best week till now!

2009-09-27T17:50:00.000+05:30

This week’s been AWESOME!!!!

Our college hosted the IGNITE fest which had about a dozen competitions going for three days that were all fun and well, an eye-opener for me. There’s so much talent and my GOD ,I have never thought of Dumb Charades as such a complex game before!

Anyway, I had to make a friend of mine to promise to drag me and make me register at least for one event lest I back down at the last minute. And well she made sure I did just that. I gave my name for DC and bluffmaster , a first for me in both the cases. DC was actually a last minute decision. The same friend and I decided to make a team and go for it. Turned out we sucked at it. But it also brought us a little more closer considering the revelation that we both don’t know anything of pretty much everything.(Okay ,maybe I’m exaggerating there a little bit ,but its close enough to the truth ).Plus it also gave me an opportunity to defy THE EVIL AND OBNOXIOUS BABY (she’s still a pain in my ass) and go to a senior’s room and actually stay there for hours in the forbidden building (or atleast forbidden to me).Ha Ha ,IN YOUR FACE BABY darling!

I improved at DC alright .But it wasn’t good enough coz we looked like total idiots on the stage(which isn’t a first for me btw. I’ve had my moments ).But on a more cheerful thought I’d be happy to tell you I didn’t screw up bluffmaster .Well yeah, i didn’t get selected in either (I’d be a fool to wish that since a few of them including my uncle were too good!).All in all it was a good day for me ,that day. Got to bunk class! Got to see a lot of crazy stuff and the spirit of the contestants was enticing .

I'm in the mood to kill!

2009-09-06T10:50:00.000+05:30

RAGGING? What is ragging? According to the oxford dictionary it means teasing.Sounds harmless. But, oh no,in today's times its become a major issue with all those guys getting beaten up for no fault of theirs.

Why do seniors have to rag juniors?What can they possibly get by "teasing" harmless newcomers?Is it to appease their vanity?What makes them so special?Don't tell me all this attitude is because they joined the college before we did. So what? That's hardly anything to hold against us!

I didn't know ragging could be so scary,if i hadn't been travelling in 47 yesterday all set to go home wishing earnestly that we would be safe in a bus full of seniors.And guess what,my prayers weren't heard.For my friend got ragged because he was misunderstood to have shown attitude to the seniors .The senior was a very irritating 4th year who practically screamed into out ears whenever he opened his horrible mouth .Heard he's all talk and the fact that my friend was actually the son of a police officer.Nice!After worrying for almost throughout the journey i come to know all this !And that stupid moron of a senior had the audacity to tell me to chill because it was none of my business!The hell with him! Who did he think he was?That stupid squeaking mouse!

Anyway the matter was settled .He was all talk afterall.Crazy person!

P.S Im getting used to the hostel just after one week of staying there which has surprised me a lot

A new journey

2009-08-21T19:02:00.000+05:30

And so i managed to make some time for my blog...finally!....(phew).The past few or should i say just 3 days had almost left me half dead.My college had BEGUN!

During my vacation i never really paused to think how it would be.I had always seen my brother coming home and lying on the bed unable to move ,but i never really thought any of it.As my days of freedom were nearing the end ,i couldn't help look forward to the day when i'd start going to college and studying all these things that i had seen so called professionals today study .I was so excited that i was going to be one of them soon.It couldn't be so bad.So many people do it.

And so there i was on my first day to college and boy, was i in for a huge surprise.
My body ached.My head threathened to fall off thanks to the roads.Weren't they just beautiful!I was filled with awe and nausea.

Classes started with a big bang! DIFFRENTIATE THIS ! and INTEGRATE THAT !....what is sinAcosB....etc etc...shooting out every minute.It might sound as if this is nothing but trust me after almost three months of no diffrentiation and integration how in the world could one possibly answer such horrifying questions. As usual i went into a depression mode but thank God,only for sometime.

My day couldn't have been better!

Right now i can only hope for better days and try to take things one day at a time

Why do mothers do that?

2009-08-01T13:17:00.000+05:30

So here’s how the conversation goes

Me and my bro are discussing about where he got the huge samosas from. Mom enters the room and starts ,

“Jesse’s phone call has had my head boiling”(translated fron Konkani)

I roll my eyes .Here we go again.

“I can’t believe i didn’t realize it before. My daughter IS stupid. I should have seen the signs. First she goes off and takes up electronics and now she says she wants to do biotech! If i had known before i would have stopped you.....n blah blah blah.”

My mind goes into hyperactive mode as always.

I imagine myself slapping her so called best friend screaming “DIE...DIE ...DIE”.

Who cares if some of them didn’t make it. Doesn’t mean i won’t .

As my mom keeps blabbering on ,with the look on her face as if i’m close to death, i look at my brother for help,for some words to make her stop her emotional outburst .It always gives me headaches .That good- for-nothing monkey just shrugs and continues eating his damned samosa.

I continue screaming silently ,slowly losing my mind because i have nothing to prove her wrong .I sit there watching her scream and pity my fate .

Why do mothers do that?

It’s quite demeaning and insulting sometimes.

Why don’t they just trust their kids ?They worry , i know.But still ,what’s done is done.Let go.

I leave her in the kitchen screaming and go outside calming myself with the thought of my new mobile .

Flashback memory

2009-07-01T12:41:00.000+05:30

I remember my early days of childhood -me and my flat-mates used to gather outside the building on the very first day it rained and get drenched while dancing and singing the latest hindi numbers. It was like a ritual we used to follow every year for reasons unknown .But then as we grew up we sort of grew out of that habit .Even me, after a few years of dancing alone with my mom standing a few feet away couldn’t see any more fun in it.
Sometimes i wonder whether coming here was a mistake , whether i would have been happy there ,how would my life had turned out if i had stayed back? Am i more happier here than when i had been there ? and some more questions that eat at the back of my head often .Now when i think of my life back then , compared to the present me, i feel i was a completely clueless stranger there. Even though it was the place i spent my first seven years in, where i knew people but who didn’t feel like family. I did have friends , well an appropriate word to describe me would have been a ‘snob’. Funny how people change .Right now if anyone ever asks me whether i prefer this place or that, i wouldn’t hesitate to answer the most obvious one.
This place has taught me a lot....made me question and think about things ,exposed me to rock music and callousness and the bitching behaviour of girls all through high school, to depression and later the struggle of overcoming it and not losing my sanity.So I’d say I’ve been through a hell of a lot of things that i wouldn’t have if i had been back there and I’m pretty sure there’s more to come.

Admission ..more like a death sentence

2009-06-27T16:22:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I went to get an admission in the college I'll be studying in for the next 4 yrs.The day was well planned by my mom.Well mostly because i didn't seem to give a damn and quite frankly yes I, as usual ,was expecting my mom to do everything since the job at hand required me to get off my arse.And as usual things didn't go according to plan .I hadn't bothered to ask what papers were really needed and my OH SO AWESOME brother (sarcastically , ofcourse) who's studying in the same college ,has a habit of eating half of the info before telling us anything. And so it turned out i needed more papers and well my blood group too!...which was all the more reason for us to fear whether our heads , well, actually my bro's head was gonna stick to his body or if he'd lose it, courtesy mom.
Well coming back to the task at hand ,my mom never tried to find out my blood group when i was a baby (well i think that would have been less painful because then i wont be remembering any of it). But now , at this age ,i wouldnt have even dreamed of going near the hospitals with that weird odour, let alone a needle!......
And so there i was with my one hand stretched out while my other hand over my eyes closed tightly ,as my mom warned me against screaming or crying hysterically because my days as a kid were over .And so all i did when the fat man pierced the needle through my skin was think "I can bear this " repeatedly trying hard to concentrate on something else and guess what , i didn't hurt at all , just a slight pricking sensation that's all and i'm sure that this doesnt sound like a big thing, i mean many people do it.Well after opening my eyes to discover the huge amount of blood (well it looked like that for me) the fat man took from me and since this was the day i was gonna know my blood group i'd say i did a pretty swell job of not running like a lunatic ,out of the place.It might look like i'm hyping this incident, but for some reason i felt that by knowing my blood group i might finally understand who or what i really am.Just a stupid thought ,coz apparently i didn't .

Well everything put aside , we finally managed to reach the college on time and get my admission

Forgive me

2009-06-10T10:01:00.000+05:30

Forgive me for being such a selfish,unyielding ass,
Even when I know u could go to any length ,to any degree of discomfort just to make me comfortable.
Even when I know u grant my every wish
Even when I know u forgive my mistakes whatever they might be.
Even when I know that u listen patiently to everything I have to say and even act as if you’ve forgotten the number of times i was purposefully rude and disrespectful .
Even when I know u went through a lot pain to bring me into this world vowing to love and treasure me.
Even when I know u worked so hard just to give me a good education and putting me in all those classes keeping my future in mind.
Even when I know u love me a lot and would do anything not to see tears in my eyes.
Im so sorry……
For not listening patiently to reason insisting that im always right.
For putting up with my crap even though u deserve the best in the world.
Im so sorry……

Respite from boredom

2009-06-09T14:49:00.000+05:30

For days together its been nothing but a daily series of dull mornings including screaming at my brother(cant help it …everytime he’s at home I have headaches ) and friggin’ bleak Tv shows except for the re-runs of “Who’s line is it anyway?”.
So I decided to find solace in Bajpe, a place away from home on the outskirts of Mangalore ,a heavenly place where my dear cousins and grandparents reside. I’ve been coming here ever since I was a little baby. I used to eagerly wait for my exams to get over and come all the way out here to stay .It used to last a month.Every year it used to be a delight to walk around their farm, watching out for snakes (I’m dead scared of ‘em) ,taking those coloured chicks for walks ,playing with their dog, sitting like a duck and waiting patiently for the hen to lay her egg and chasing after them as they cluck away.It used to be an every day routine.
But sadly my days here have become limited- just one week ,that’s it and then its packing my bag time.Nevertheless the trips are worth it ,even if its just for a few day . The serenity of the place ,the fun ,the joys of being with the closest cousins I’ll ever have is like a blessing for a city girl like me and I’m thankful for that.

Key is Compromise

2009-06-06T07:40:00.000+05:30

It was a birthday of a friend of mine .Me and a few other friends were invited to lunch at her house. It was cold , rainy day and i was more than happy to get out of the house for a change .In fact , i didn’t mind the weather at all .If it was college i was going to then i would have been cursing all day. Well this visit turned out to be a lot of fun. We talked, played games and ate to our hearts content. What I really liked was how her family was so close knitted .Her brother wasn’t really present , but i had heard they loved each other tremendously and stuck like glue .Her mother was so free with us and loving...well, i just haven’t met anyone like her before . Looking at them i couldn’t help but wonder ,why wasn’t my family like this ? We’ve had our share of fights and i guess sibling rivalry is nothing shockingly new. But i couldn’t help but feel my family was nothing compared to hers.

I was angry and furious when i came home not wanting to look at it from any other point of view.I just wanted to feel the rage for sometime ,to get it out of my system , to be normal again. When i did i realized everyone atleast once have felt that their family isn’t exactly an ideal one and the family in front of them is more happier than they can ever be. But it isn’t true .Every family had their own little problems to deal with.So the best we can do i to accept who we are and can be and make the best of it. For me, i believe, this is the only way i’ll survive .

Lucky, yet unlucky

2009-06-03T14:21:00.001+05:30

Just yesterday me n my brother went to the famous “School Book Company” where u get about any stationery or book u want or so i thought. My brother had won a few coupons sponsored by the above store at a function for ,well, being a brain. And this entitled him to take anything that he wished from the shop for free, but within Rs 250.And he had about six of these.
I was happily dreaming about buying wonderful novels when my mom looked at me sternly ,bursting my bubble and said “Your brother’s college is about to start .So go and buy notebooks. Why do you need to buy novels when u have a library u can get books from?”.I didn’t have an answer for that. Hell, i knew she was right .But i like collecting books just for the sake of collecting. And maybe i could exchange them with my friends .Well anyway ,we went to the place and bought his dumb notes. And then i went off in search for novels .And boy did i find nothing. Some shop! I kept searching n searching wasting almost two hours ,not that i had anything better to do. My feet were aching and some stupid girls were interrupting me by walking through that narrow way aimlessly. And so i ended up buying nothing for myself. Well we still have 1000 bucks left .So hoping that the next time i go ,they bring in some books worth readin!

Ladru and Pedru

2009-06-02T10:00:00.000+05:30

I have two cats , two brothers who recently joined our family of six including our pet dog Cookie (named by my mom) . And as it was customary, we thought of several names to name them. One of them is a beautiful orange who is a perfect imitation of his annoying and philandering father and the other is a mixture of grey and black ,a duplicate of his mother .My father finally came up with the names Ladru n Pedru (Konkani for Lazarus and Peter),well because they rhymed in a way.

Me and my mom adore them and i guess in this process the time we spent in indulging Cookie was shortened .Now, we lock her out of the house(Cookie is a she) when our darlings venture into our house each time as if on a mission to discover something new and foreign.They always seem nervous and wary but don’t mind sparring with the long curtains or jumping on the sofa.Their first and I bet their favourite station is our kitchen. They usually tend to get noisy and literally cry like babies when they smell fish or chicken. Pedru is the more daring one who isn’t afraid of sleeping on my bro’s bed, climb the dining table and sometimes even challenge my dog. And Cookie can’t be more J....its her territory of course!

Recently we’ve had more cats eating from their bowl than we would have liked . And we aren’t really proud to say that Ladru n Pedru have turned all mellow and docile because of all the pampering.One among them is a notorious street cat.We haven’t really named him yet .I don’t kno what his problem is but he seems to get pleasure in harassing my kitties.But the most shocking part was seeing the murderous gleam in my mum’s eyes.My goodness!All she spoke of was killing that ugly looking bastard .She had even kept ready some huge stoned ready incase he came back.Once she even managed to hit him right on the head with a huge stick .But she was left fuming with rage when the cat didn’t run fast enough to save his sorry ass. And then she told me to stay alert so that she could this time smash his bones to bits!Wow! i guess one shouldn’t ever make the mistake of messing with a mother.If u do, you might not live to see another day.

Still clueless

2009-05-30T07:34:00.000+05:30

I’ve never had a dream,an ambition . Even as a kid i was completely clueless as to what i wanted out of life while all my classmates atleast seemed to set their their minds to becoming a doctor or an engineer ,u kno the usual.......but me?i never even bothered to take any real interest in anything to be frank. Doctor ,Engineer never really attracted me in the least .I always thought I’d go with the flow

I was so weak in science when i was in Nasik.I couldn’t even remember simple reactions like carbon-di-oxide turns limewater milky and i used to be one of the toppers in my class. Once our class teacher had asked us a question relating to the subject and i had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.I didn’t even recall her ever teaching us that .The subject felt so alien...it was frightening!My classmates sitting around me answered in one simple sentence and all i could do was gawk at them mouthing the words they were saying too embarrassed at the realization that i didn’t know the head and tail of the subject.

When I moved to Mangalore,i was pleasantly surprised at how i could easily and effortlessly understand and even remember the topics...and thus unknowingly i was drawn to biology.In tenth i was pretty sure i wanted to pursue my studies in that line and even trusted myself not to change my decision..but then as usual i changed it (Mon Dieu!..what was i thinking!).Anyways i thought taking up electronics would be convenient if i wanted to take up a job as an engineer...but little did i kno i would grow to hate the subject

And now,when i’ve finished my exams and knowing that its a high time for me to decide where my future’s gonna lie ,i still remain clueless. Man, what a drag!

Faith Vs Logic

2009-05-29T07:56:00.000+05:30

I've been thinking n thinking all day long about what to write for my first real post...(well since i'm new its kinda hard for me)....nothing really worth comes to my mind.As usual life's been as mundane as possible.Since its my first post i guess i got excited and ever since i've been rackign my brains for something good....usually i have those "insights in life" kinda moments when i'm alone....i think about the absurdity of life ,the absurdity of the thoughts people can have and of course the absurdity of people believing in God.
There has always been a part of me that doesn't want to believe in God...i dont kno why...perhaps its because im to lazy to pray -to take time off to do something that's been ingrained into our minds as kids that ive made up reasons to not believe...
but i cant fully accept the face that im actually right just the same...its a very confusing matter ...but then im always confused..
my mom says that we need something believe in to remain sane,to keep on hoping for a better life ,to keep on hoping for good things to happen...i guess that's her take on spirituality...but doesn't that mean she's just using some emtity named God for anchor and not actually believing in his existence as a creator of the universe,our Father as something that is living and not just a thought..isnt that what we've been brought up to believe in..isnt that what our religion teaches us to do
what happens to atheits when they die?where do they go?what happens to people of another faith?was the concept of heaven and hell just a sham that was formed so that people on deathbed don't grieve more because there is no second or third or even a seventh life and that its just the end of the road for them and that there is no going back?.....
they say if u've worked hard ,u'll reap the benefits...is the "God's grace" involved? do the people who believe in God and pray to him the only ones who actually get what they want?is the luck factor too a part of God's gameplan?
was the concept "God" created just to keep people in check, to teach children to diffrentiate between the good from the bad by telling them that if they dont behave god will punish them?
there are so many questions that i want to ask....if i try to answer one another one pops up in my head...i guess i can never know the truth...what might seem logical can turn out to be the erroneous ....,maybe we were never meant to understand who knows there might be someone taking care of heaven and hell after all....

Heya!

2009-05-27T07:10:00.000+05:30

Hey guys,this is my first post!

I just started blogging for the heck of it...partly because my bro does it n partly because i have nothing else to do....i have three months of holidays which i'm pretty sure i'll spend doing nothing...so might as well improve my vocab in this process....so until next time

ciao!