Sunday, March 28, 2010

Beyond mundane

When i was in high school,my morld seemed to revolve around my self-confidence crisis,my friends and the guys after them.My mom had several stories to tell about the women in the church and in the neighbourhood ,about their lives ,what was their current obsesson ,who was acting as if she were a queen and who wasn't talking to who.

Then i reached college.Now, everyday i have a prayer of thanks to God(I would like to believe that he exists) for giving me an opportunity to see a world beyond mine.There are more people out there ,with different cultures,backgrounds and ideals;speaking diffrent languages ,marked by different colours and working with different mindsets.There is so much out there that we haven't experienced and i'l always will be filled with gratitude for that knowledge.
Life is short .How many times have we heard this and actually understood what it meant?Life is SHORT.A couple or more years and the poof!You're gone .Wiped off from the face of the earth; someone else taking your space.Does that make you feel like doing something extra-ordinary?For me?I don't know. I don't have that drive now.Though it does scare me.

But what makes me wonder more is why I back down whenever there's seems to be an opportunity to grow,to learn.It shouldn't matter what others think or not think,what others see or not see.I have one chance to fill my life with adventures,with friends,with love-anything i want to.Best part and the scary part about this is -its my call ;whether i want to get into a fight with a friend and spoil the whole relationship or so somewhere alone or just stop studying or study to my heart's content  etc etc.In the end ,you do whatever makes you happy.
This journey is MINE,mine alone.

When these thoughts visit me ,once in a while , it feels like a a breath of fresh air , life a beautiful sunny mornign,like there's hope-for happiness,contentment.

The decisions I make matter.This independence is a powerful tool.They'll define me and take me where i have eventually end up.

The people i know may or may not be a part of me future.Yet the need for pretense at times is still strong.Why do mundane things in life make us forget the bigger truth?-that these things don't even matter.Yet these are the things that fill our lives ,sometimes barely enough to avoid depression and sometimes to the brim,that it chokes us .

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hypocrite,who ?me?

I want to write a post and all i can seem to do is cry out in frustration!.I think about going to college tonorrow and the thought doesn't bring me any excitement now.

I accuse my mom of comparing ,but its actually me who keeps doing that every minute if the day!I'm never satisfied,am i?Yet I'm the one who judges others if they are better or worse off than me.I disappoint myself.
I wrinkle my nose and shake my head in disapproval when someone else does it.That makes me a hypocrite now,doesn't it?:| 

Whenever i look at myself im never happy with what i have and what i don't have.Am i being too critical o fjust ungrateful? Yet at times ,I am one of those people who look down on others.It's a thought that stays for only a split second,but it leaves a bad taste when its gone.

I worry about what I have to answer to people even when i know that what's happening is something so minor,yet blown out of proportions.I have a choice.I always have a choice.But I tend to forget that everytime and give into the daily trends wherever it might be,at home,at college ,at hostel ,anywhere.I do what everybody does.Yet i claim to be different,think differently.Does anyone have any clue what I'm talking about?

I'm weak.I have this hazy view of myself.I'm frustrated,comfused as ever.Why does everyone look as if they have everything sorted.I know that's not the case.But still ,they seem to go through each day as if they know exactly what they're doing.Maybe not as planned ,but prepared anyway.

Im scared to make decisions .I mean,Its simple .It can be either this or that.But for me,if i choose Way 1,i start wondering about what could have been had I chosen Way 2.Its the fear of being wrong  that doesn't let me grow, the fear of making mistakes that doesn't let me learn and adapt, the failure to do something about ignorance because of laziness is what that makes me weak.

Life can be exciting of i will it to be.But it's sad that I can't seem to control my head.It's really sad.

I'm a hypocrite
How about you?

Do you ever get so disgusted with yourself
that you sort of just want to shake your head
and laugh at how pathetically fake you are?
Do you ever feel sick at how often
you become everything you say you hate?
how often you're the opposite
of everything you want to be?

I'm a liar
How about you?

Does it ever occur to you
that everything you say about yourself is
just a makeshift disguise?
Do you ever wonder
If all your words are just that -
Words, and nothing more?
Does it ever frighten you
How easy it is to pretend?

I'm a coward
How about you?

Have you ever been so scared
that you find yourself making all the betrayals
you promised yourself you never would?
Has it ever hit you between the eyes
that most of your glowing ideals are
a hell of a lot easier said than done?
and that you're brave enough to say all these things
but not enough to live them?
Have you ever loved someone
and not told them
because you were afraid
no one else would understand?

I'm shallow
How about you?
[This is the worst.]

Have you ever congratulated yourself
on your depth of thought
and your understanding of things
Only to find you've forgotten
the starving and the orphans,
the persecuted and the enslaved,
because you were crying over how ugly you felt?
Have you ever talked about how
"What's on the inside counts"
All the while knowing you'd much rather be seen
[and see yourself, in fact]
with the people who dress right, act right, smell right?

Have you, have you?
Have you ever been like me?

Have you ever left a better man
for a better looking one?
Have you ever left a good person
for a popular one?

Have you ever left a powerful relationship for an easy one?

Yes, we can say a lot of things,
but doing them, that's another matter entirely
Sometimes I wonder,
Does it even matter what we say?
Is it really all just empty words?

Oh friends
Can't we all just stand and confess
We're not the heroes and saints
we'd like to believe we are?

If we're going to be liars
Can't we at least be honest liars?

I am a hypocrite, a liar, a coward and all the rest . . .
How about you? 

P.S i didn't write this.But whoever did,thanks :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

wAKE uP!

So here i had three holidays to do something......something that could ,you know,be of importance.But i just chose to spend most of it whining about "not feeling" like doing anything....Though i don't think i would have studied anyway.....

Anyway i watched Wake Up Sid! today...better late than never :D.The song ,at the end of the movie actually inspired me more than the movie.I just thought Sid had it easy his whole life,so didn't actually feel him "waking".But that's another matter.The lyrics-i listened to the song today ,and i just loved them.How many of us live life like that.

You my life till now was concerned only with my inability to talk to people or my marks or how to make my life like my brother's.I always considered other things wayu back in my list of priorities.But you know what,i didn't do much about it.Sure i whined about it,and actually forced to change myself,I still think there's more i can do.

The songs talks about doing something,let it be crying or laughing .Anything.Everything you do,is in one way or another important.I mean COME ON!this is your life ,a short one at that.Wouldn't you wanna die knowing you didn't waste any of your time.Now i don't wanna think about dying and all.But i know for sure i hate the word REGRET.I actually thought helping people ,was a waste of time.Part of me wanted to help,Part of me complained.That's not how  i wanna be.I wanna live knowing that what i do ,whenever i do it,has a meaning and is worth it.

So let's see how this attitude works out for me.

waqt hai kya tumako pata hai na
so gayi raat jaake din hai abb jaag utha
aankhein masalata hai saara yeh sama
aawaazein bhi leti hai angadaayiya
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

yeh jo kahein woh jo kahein sun lo
baat jo sahin dil ko lage chun lo
karana hai kya tumhe yeh tum hi karo faisala
yeh soch lo tumakao jaana hai kahaan
tum hi musaafir tum hi toh ho kaarwaan
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

aaj bhi dekho kal jaisa hi na ho
aaj bhi yuun na tum sote hi raho
itane kyun sust ho kuchh kaho kuchh suno, kuchh na kuchh karo
ro padon ya hanso jindagi mein koyi na koyi toh rang bharo
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

(wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno) - (2)
wake up