Fingers crossed!

They say ,if you have the conviction and if you believe in yourself and the changes you see around you or in you is the pleasant outcome you’ve always wished for ,nothing’s gonna stop you. We hear  so many stories about ordinary people making it big, or someone who’s expected to be so shattered by his misfortune that it comes as a great shock to see him smiling and continuing with the same zest for life as he had before. There’s so much optimism swirling around it you can’t help but hope.


Truth be told ,it is hard and demands a lot from you and i guess ,that’s the main reason why I never trusted in this simple truth enough to give it a try. My problems may be small ,but if I try ,I can just hope i get to the place where I want to .

Many decisions have been made in my head ,and most of the time many of those have never been followed through. I’m a bit apprehensive , ‘cause whatever I’ve done till now, has been a half hearted effort. Nothing for which i can say i gave it my best shot. So you can see my dilemma in trusting my own will.
I’ve got an idea right now .I’m pretty sure if I do this it’s gonna help a lot in the long run. So good luck to me! 

 Today
I burned the rice
(Sad little black grains that only Chinese water torture could remove from the pot)
I missed my train
(A caterpillar of white cars closed off its doors and inched into the dark wormhole of a tunnel without me)
it rained and
I forgot my umbrella
(Somehow, a drop found that space between my coat, my shirt, and my skin, and cold water dripped down my back).

But

I’ve got a dollar in my pocket
and there are all these excellent puddles on the ground
just right for jumping in.
There’s a smile on my face
and the day is looking up.

P.S again ,i didn't write this :P
Check out my friend Maddy's blog....man!she's got talent!

Beyond mundane

When i was in high school,my morld seemed to revolve around my self-confidence crisis,my friends and the guys after them.My mom had several stories to tell about the women in the church and in the neighbourhood ,about their lives ,what was their current obsesson ,who was acting as if she were a queen and who wasn't talking to who.

Then i reached college.Now, everyday i have a prayer of thanks to God(I would like to believe that he exists) for giving me an opportunity to see a world beyond mine.There are more people out there ,with different cultures,backgrounds and ideals;speaking diffrent languages ,marked by different colours and working with different mindsets.There is so much out there that we haven't experienced and i'l always will be filled with gratitude for that knowledge.

Life is short .How many times have we heard this and actually understood what it meant?Life is SHORT.A couple or more years and the poof!You're gone .Wiped off from the face of the earth; someone else taking your space.Does that make you feel like doing something extra-ordinary?For me?I don't know. I don't have that drive now.Though it does scare me.

But what makes me wonder more is why I back down whenever there's seems to be an opportunity to grow,to learn.It shouldn't matter what others think or not think,what others see or not see.I have one chance to fill my life with adventures,with friends,with love-anything i want to.Best part and the scary part about this is -its my call ;whether i want to get into a fight with a friend and spoil the whole relationship or so somewhere alone or just stop studying or study to my heart's content  etc etc.In the end ,you do whatever makes you happy.

This journey is MINE,mine alone.

When these thoughts visit me ,once in a while , it feels like a a breath of fresh air , life a beautiful sunny mornign,like there's hope-for happiness,contentment.

The decisions I make matter.This independence is a powerful tool.They'll define me and take me where i have eventually end up.

The people i know may or may not be a part of me future.Yet the need for pretense at times is still strong.Why do mundane things in life make us forget the bigger truth?-that these things don't even matter.Yet these are the things that fill our lives ,sometimes barely enough to avoid depression and sometimes to the brim,that it chokes us .

Afraid of falling down

Its evening.There's cool breeze outside.It just feel so pleasant.And i like a nutcase am cooped up in my room and online(mom doesn't know...hee hee)

I dont know what this obsession is ......to sit indoors and do absolutely nothing of value.

You know i love these times,when it's quiet ,without anyone bickering,gives you ample time to think .And think about nothing in particular,just about the thousand things u seem to learn and forget everyday only to be reminded some other day.

I trust people easily.I can't do that thing where you seem to be bitching about some one in your head and keep a straight and smiling face at the same time.Sure sometimes its easy.But i've noticed evil entities(according to my definition)can do so with ease and its kind of sickening .Well right now this seems like a vague and not well thought of thought .Just something that was running in my mind due to a small event that happened yesterday.Nothing big.Just was a reminder that i dont know anything .People you think who are nice and well "paap" just turn out to be ,well ,nothing like you thought they could.People you thought you had a clear picture of, even if a bit vague,could turn out to be the exact oppposite of it at the oddest times possible forcing you to wonder why you didn't feel it before.

I've learnt that it really doesn't matter.Though the question continually haunts me.It's just that,is that all?Is that all i can experience when im 18?Is the rest of my life going to be full of THIS ?

I like asking such questions ,but i never seem to get an answer that really satisfies me.Surely life must be more that this.Everyone's ultimate goal in life is contentment.I don't know what i want at this moment.Too confused;a bundle of nerves .There are competions going to be held this semester,and honestly speaking im terrified thinking about something i've never done before.Will i have to have courage to go ahead and try out something i've never done in my life and have no clue whatsoever about where to start.My brother says it's all about learning ,I agree.But im scared shitless.

Do i have the courage to take part and do something completely out of my comfort zone and be glad to make a fool of myself?Honestly,that's what i'm afraid of afterall.Turn out to be completely oppposite to him.Which i am,no doubt about it.

I wanna  learn.Is it too late to learn???Mom says so.

Just afraid of falling down and hurt myself badly.

I hate it when i make excuses.

Luckily i've found the the rightness of trusting my intuitions coz something or the other seems to go wrong if i don't .

Friendship

Ive never considered myself as a good friend..I dunno...

Sometimes i go out of the way for someone even though its not needed and when they don't do the same for me ,I feel that im gettign snubbed.Be it a small thing as expecting a friend to wait for and not go off with his/her new friennds.

But then growing up i realised my foolishness.

Back when i was a kid,when i wasnt even living in this town ,i used to revel in bossing over others.I was always telling my so called friends what to do,how to behave,who to talk to and the bad part was they listened.My head bloated up i guess .It was ridiculous

It quite hilarious considering what i'd done and what I've become.My old friends would never recognise me now-and i'm not talking about the looks depatment.

Here i went to an all girls school.They stripped me off of whatever confidence i had left after "THE SHIFT".
I turned into an emotional wreck.A bundle of nerves.Here i started questioning friendship.I came to understand or rather saw the ugly side of girls that i never knew existed till then.I had been naive.I only got through the whole ridiculois thing only because of a few of the girls and i owe my sane-ness to them.

After that catasrophe,i guess i've learnt to think a lot and i never learnt to stop trusting each and every human being.I just got hurt .I changed over the years with the help of my friends .

Anyway back to the question i always try to find an answer to-Am i a good friend?sure i'd try and keep my friends happy ,but sometimes part of me gets irritated .Sometimes i'm asked to do favours ;sometimes i do them ,sometimes i don't .A reason for this might me my  laziness considering the favour at hand doesnt really require my doing it .If the job at hand really is a small deal ,and the friend asking me isn't a close one ,I dont do it without complaining in my head.Is it bad to be doing that?is it ok to feel lazy?

I\m ot one of those people who has the first idea to get up and get a present for someone.Or congratulate someone for their achievement.i guess you could call me socially inept.Don't get me wrong.I love my friends,and considering my experience im just happy to have them.But am i taking them for granted?I guess i am,a couple of times

Its always a fluctuating personality with me-once im this,once im that.Not stable ;comletely unsure of how I'd behave in a particular situation and whether i like what i end up doing.U know i decide what to do,and end up doing something else.It like I dont have any control over my mind and it freaks me out.

Well i don't think i really wrote what i set out to .But its ok .I'll deal with this problem later when i can understand it properly to put it in words

Ciao.

Self evaluation is a very tiring job

For two months i haven't touched my computer...and in these two months ive kinda changed a lot....n i know for sure that this time its for the better.

We all know life's full of ups and downs.Small things can bother me a lot.I start thinking of a thing that might not need so much attention and then unknowingly blow it out of proportions.Worry ,Worry ,Worry -that's what i do and i can never seem to get out of that irritating state of mind.It's so unstable that i need someone to tell me that what i'm thinking and feeling is right.I don't seem to trust myself.God, it pisses me off!

And i can't handle confident people-they intimidate me.You must think i'm a wuss.Don't worry i'm with ya....

There are people who come into your life once in a while who seem like any other person you've met....but what you u don't guess is what impact they can have on your life.Well one such person just happened to come one day and change my feelings by merely telling me that she expected great things from me.And i thought to myself....why do i keep feeding that shit to my head when clearly i'm capable of a lot more .I might not be like my brother,i might certainly not be like that girl in my class who makes me so mad (though i admire her confidence),but i can be the girl i know i am .I'm not a wuss!

Life can be so unreal sometimes....with its maddening way to hurt and confuse you and equally surprising gifts to pacify you that it makes this whole journey all the more pleasant.....

There's still some doubt .....i know i can revert back to the old thinking ..but until then i hope i can do some damage....:D

Flashback memory

I remember my early days of childhood -me and my flat-mates used to gather outside the building on the very first day it rained and get drenched while dancing and singing the latest hindi numbers. It was like a ritual we used to follow every year for reasons unknown .But then as we grew up we sort of grew out of that habit .Even me, after a few years of dancing alone with my mom standing a few feet away couldn’t see any more fun in it.
Sometimes i wonder whether coming here was a mistake , whether i would have been happy there ,how would my life had turned out if i had stayed back? Am i more happier here than when i had been there ? and some more questions that eat at the back of my head often .Now when i think of my life back then , compared to the present me, i feel i was a completely clueless stranger there. Even though it was the place i spent my first seven years in, where i knew people but who didn’t feel like family. I did have friends , well an appropriate word to describe me would have been a ‘snob’. Funny how people change .Right now if anyone ever asks me whether i prefer this place or that, i wouldn’t hesitate to answer the most obvious one.
This place has taught me a lot....made me question and think about things ,exposed me to rock music and callousness and the bitching behaviour of girls all through high school, to depression and later the struggle of overcoming it and not losing my sanity.So I’d say I’ve been through a hell of a lot of things that i wouldn’t have if i had been back there and I’m pretty sure there’s more to come.

Faith Vs Logic

I've been thinking n thinking all day long about what to write for my first real post...(well since i'm new its kinda hard for me)....nothing really worth comes to my mind.As usual life's been as mundane as possible.Since its my first post i guess i got excited and ever since i've been rackign my brains for something good....usually i have those "insights in life" kinda moments when i'm alone....i think about the absurdity of life ,the absurdity of the thoughts people can have and of course the absurdity of people believing in God.
There has always been a part of me that doesn't want to believe in God...i dont kno why...perhaps its because im to lazy to pray -to take time off to do something that's been ingrained into our minds as kids that ive made up reasons to not believe...
but i cant fully accept the face that im actually right just the same...its a very confusing matter ...but then im always confused..
my mom says that we need something believe in to remain sane,to keep on hoping for a better life ,to keep on hoping for good things to happen...i guess that's her take on spirituality...but doesn't that mean she's just using some emtity named God for anchor and not actually believing in his existence as a creator of the universe,our Father as something that is living and not just a thought..isnt that what we've been brought up to believe in..isnt that what our religion teaches us to do
what happens to atheits when they die?where do they go?what happens to people of another faith?was the concept of heaven and hell just a sham that was formed so that people on deathbed don't grieve more because there is no second or third or even a seventh life and that its just the end of the road for them and that there is no going back?.....
they say if u've worked hard ,u'll reap the benefits...is the "God's grace" involved? do the people who believe in God and pray to him the only ones who actually get what they want?is the luck factor too a part of God's gameplan?
was the concept "God" created just to keep people in check, to teach children to diffrentiate between the good from the bad by telling them that if they dont behave god will punish them?
there are so many questions that i want to ask....if i try to answer one another one pops up in my head...i guess i can never know the truth...what might seem logical can turn out to be the erroneous ....,maybe we were never meant to understand who knows there might be someone taking care of heaven and hell after all....