Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I wish ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Coll starts from tomo........NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I don't wanna go back to that place.I don't know what was so horrible with it.Probably the thought if spending another 4-6 months in that hell.God !Everyone says hostel is so much fun,but i just can't seem to remember one thing that made me like that place.And now i have to go back.

Same ol' pretension,same ol' loneliness,same ol' bitchiness,same ol' thoughts about trying to prove i'm not llike somebody else.........I don't think i'l be able to take another dose of it again!

I wish for a new beginning,a new way of life,maybe a little more sync with my thoughts,a little more in touch with myself  ,a little slowing down to see the world around.

I hope i'm able to realize what's truly important to me and NOT waste my time on dramas.

I hope i can be myself  :)

 Just pray for a new start .

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Ive never considered myself as a good friend..I dunno...

Sometimes i go out of the way for someone even though its not needed and when they don't do the same for me ,I feel that im gettign snubbed.Be it a small thing as expecting a friend to wait for and not go off with his/her new friennds.

But then growing up i realised my foolishness.

Back when i was a kid,when i wasnt even living in this town ,i used to revel in bossing over others.I was always telling my so called friends what to do,how to behave,who to talk to and the bad part was they listened.My head bloated up i guess .It was ridiculous

It quite hilarious considering what i'd done and what I've become.My old friends would never recognise me now-and i'm not talking about the looks depatment.

Here i went to an all girls school.They stripped me off of whatever confidence i had left after "THE SHIFT".
I turned into an emotional wreck.A bundle of nerves.Here i started questioning friendship.I came to understand or rather saw the ugly side of girls that i never knew existed till then.I had been naive.I only got through the whole ridiculois thing only because of a few of the girls and i owe my sane-ness to them.

After that catasrophe,i guess i've learnt to think a lot and i never learnt to stop trusting each and every human being.I just got hurt .I changed over the years with the help of my friends .

Anyway back to the question i always try to find an answer to-Am i a good friend?sure i'd try and keep my friends happy ,but sometimes part of me gets irritated .Sometimes i'm asked to do favours ;sometimes i do them ,sometimes i don't .A reason for this might me my  laziness considering the favour at hand doesnt really require my doing it .If the job at hand really is a small deal ,and the friend asking me isn't a close one ,I dont do it without complaining in my head.Is it bad to be doing that?is it ok to feel lazy?

I\m ot one of those people who has the first idea to get up and get a present for someone.Or congratulate someone for their achievement.i guess you could call me socially inept.Don't get me wrong.I love my friends,and considering my experience im just happy to have them.But am i taking them for granted?I guess i am,a couple of times

Its always a fluctuating personality with me-once im this,once im that.Not stable ;comletely unsure of how I'd behave in a particular situation and whether i like what i end up doing.U know i decide what to do,and end up doing something else.It like I dont have any control over my mind and it freaks me out.

Well i don't think i really wrote what i set out to .But its ok .I'll deal with this problem later when i can understand it properly to put it in words


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Just plain Pissed....:|


its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if  i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .

Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


My mom's done a lot for me,sent me to all the right classes.But i always stopped halfway,EACH AND EVERYTIME!,and i'm pretty sure i've disappointed her like a zillion times.I bet she always wonders what might have been.......if i had completed those courses,not shied away everytime someone asked me to sing in front of a bunch of oldies (that terrified me!)and not allowed some other kid to take away the limelight and had wanted to become a doctor rather than an engineer....

It always brought a smile to her face whenever i played my guitar,whatever little i knew ...she paid so much and i think she deserves better.

Yesterday was just like any other day except when i decided to take out my guitar and play some songs...n i always practise with the same set of chords ...well she need not know that ... anyway she then asked me if i ever practised the lead of some of the songs that sir had taught me and that was enough for me to snap at her...

Pissed and guilty i went to my room and i thought  about what she's done for me ,and i see or rather make up  a future(for i'm really good at that,and my dream today was so awesome......there are these zombies or these infected ppl and my family turns into them....im like 14 ,,....and as usual im the hero of the story,,,i kill others and try to find out a way to reverse the process of zombification ...anyway im back with my sane family,4 years later but its like a place hidden from the infected.We have schools there,and there's this group of ppl or rather army...that recruits youngsters like us........yeah my dreams are weird...and this must be a mixture of terminator and resident evil....hee hee)....

Ahem,back to whatever i was writing.Ah the future, i see a proud mother and blah blah and i say to myself ...i'm gonna do something about whatever talent i have ..make somethin of myself  and with all this pep talk i practice my guitar

But I'm not convinced ...........u see, i might say a lot of things ,but i dont do them .i leave things  in the middle if it doesn't work out or if it messes up my tv schedule .... and so i don't trust myself with anything i think in my head.Then i remind myself -ONE DAY AT A TIME.I do believe in living life this way .....but its hard .

I've always admired the girls of my age who know what they want and then diligently working towards it.Its really frustrating when u've got all these thoughts in your head....and its only you there....i mean yeah you can always talk to people ,let it all out ,but there's no guarantee they'd understand at all or think its no big deal or just not have time to listen....

Anyway on that happy thought ,i'l go back to sulking.Sry for jumping from one topic to another

PS.I saw this cute guy today ,and damnit i didn't smile at him.well its not like i would have really ,but then i had this pissed off look on my face caused by my messing up the riding session of my mom's Pleasure leading to growling and screaming on the road...yeah pretty good day....and my bro's getting on my nerves ..can i write so much on post scripts?????

Friday, January 8, 2010

3 idiots :D


So today my friends and i made a plan to watch a movie in adlabs-3 IDIOTS.

i was sceptical about this.I thought AVATAR would have been a better option.It came as a shock to me when one of my friends told me-what's there in that movie?...n i was like..what the..?..helloooooooo...that movie's awesome (forgive my vocab...i have no other words to describe its awesomeness)....i mean can't you just see the promos and be blown away???her answer-no,not at all

this ain't right....did she actually say that????

i stare at her.....i continue staring....i still stare at her till i realise she has nothing more to say about it.

i guess everyone has their own opinion about stuff.

Anyway ,we moved on and watched the movie-3 IDIOTS.Must say ,it wasn't that bad.Infact it was great.Though i guess it didn't have that effect that JAB WE MET had on me.I guess i'm a sucker for romance.Well not in real life.I guess it'll be all awkward for me and i'll probably run away.

Back to the movie,it has some elements of 5 point someone.And the story was quite unrealistic.It was very funny yes.Though i found it very weird when my friends laughed for something and i didn't;while for other things it was only me laughing while they just looked on(um,something wrong with me?????).Then the end part,the vacuum pump and all,very impressive,but again it was too hard for me to buy it.And Aamir Khan turning into Mr.WAGUNDE or WAGUMBE....the famous scientist..or something like that,now that was totally bogus.But in the end i guess the movie was a treat to watch ,however it was.I'd say it was worth my money ( or rather my mom's-though i don't think she's gonna give me any for avatar :(...)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Not so magical for me :(

I’ve just reached home from after grocery shopping with my mom and I’m beat.
January 1st,the first day of a brand new year .Oh ,what i had expected and what I got. For me ,who’s become so used to the dullness of life ,sure had an eventful day.  Chemistry ,a subject that i hate, and ironically a part of a branch i wish to study was an exam i had to answer yesterday. Hmmmm, it was horrible!...ok maybe i’m exaggerating a li’l bit but yeah,  wasn’t as if it was a piece of cake either(not that i expected it to be so easy, but still). And i won’t blame myself that i didn’t study in the week i got. I had (well not that much)  coz even if i had it wouldn’t have helped .i had studied after my practical exam and well earnestly .But who knew they would give the questions that i hadn’t studies for :P.Ok maybe this is a lost argument  and I should probably stop babbling.
Anyway then comes the afternoon part where i realize i’ve lost my bsnl sim. It shocks me that I’ve become so irresponsible and lazy. Maybe its the hostel ki hawa doing this to me. Anyway I tell my mom about this in the  evening after i’ve turned my room upside down .She yells at me, describes how I’m gonna die after dad comes to know and i just stand there appalled by my behaviour staring as she goes on telling me about all the complications I’ve created by my act of stupidity.
Today we go and enquire about the procedure and find out we have to give a police complaint .My mom has to come with me coz the sim’s under her name .We have to walk a lot but in the end all goes well. I  get a replacement  .
Now comes the very very bad part .Mom had to tell dad about all this. And all i can do is wish for that part to be magically skipped or um, hope that it never happens.......um  God? pretty please ,with sugar on top?
I had wished ,as i always end up doing,that this year would be a different one,a special one,that the first day would be pleasant,somewhat magical (yeah yeah real life -no magic stuff but what's the harm in wishing?) .but i guess i was wrong...again :(