My honest scrap :)

 

Ramit gave this to me.Honestly wasn't my name obvious?What did you think it meant?:P

Anyway i'm supposed to write 10 honest things about me.I'l try.Sorry if i bore you to death.Will try as hard as i can to shorten the post .So here goes :

1.Death.I had never thought I'd be one of those people who would get to see their loved one die.I mean ,when your just 6 or 7,maybe i got the age wrong,i don't remember ,and you've seen it happening in serials its a bit hard to come to terms with the fact that it happens in real life. So i guess one can understand why i sat there smiling when asked my the photographer to sit still.Though the loss was too great,i'm guilty for not feeling that sad and that it hasn't affected me in a major way.

 

2.I have this empty feeling when i think about the place i'd lived my first 12 years in.It feels like it never happened.NO.Actually it feels like a distant memory.Like i know for a fact i was there,but just dont know how i lived there.Thinking back ,i seemed i can't understand how, without my relatives that i have now,i lived there.That place feels dark and lonely.

 

3.One of my regrets was hurting my Aunt.Even though i wasn't close to her,she loved me as far as i know.I met her once in a year,n a brat that i was ,i used to visit her only because i could play with her kittens.But the last time i met her,there weren't any.So as usual ,i threw a tantrum forcing my mom to leave without even sitting for a drink. I feel sick for being so stubborn and selfish.Wonder why my mom didn't slap some sense into me right then ....:(I'm so sorry.

 

4.I was so happy when my mom had agreed to give me what i had wanted.I couldn't  believe it!This was huge , i knew.It was permanently going to change our lives.That's when she dropped the bomb.It wasn't going to be 2 but 3 .I was furious.I didn't want to see reason.But of course she was right.I couldn't take care of her then could i?So though i got what i wanted ,I had to put up with the catch .Should i be asking ,was it fair?I dunno.I guess it was for the best.Better than that lonely place.I got warmth for accepting the deal.SO there was something good in it.Sorry for not elaborating.Guess i'm not being fully honest here .

  

5.I was easily influenced by what others thought and did.So it didn't take me much time to get a boyfriend.He was sweet and loving.But i was scared.Sure i liked him.But i wasn't ready.Wasn't ready to get into a relationship.It was my first time of course.So i pushed him out.I had a good reason ,or so i told my self.Haven't gone out with anyone since coz i learnt that what i wanted wasn't going to be a waste of time.It was going to be real.And i didn't want it to be uncomfortable.So i knew i wan't ready.I still am not.Not yet.

 

6.After moving here,I had many ups and downs.My self-esteem took a huge blow.Saw the cruelties girls had to offer.Learnt who my good friends were and who i had to stay away from.Took a lot of time to learn that.But i grew into what i am today.So i guess what happened is ok.Wouldn't like to go back though,not for the world.:)

 

7.My second year at pre-university college was a blast.I became the assistent class rep.That's when i made my best buddies.I got to shout ,scream ,curse people .Pursue someone i had a huge crush on for the whole year,not considering the fact that he turned out to be a complete jerk.

 

8.I still can't figure out how to not give a rat's ass to what others think about me.I want to be able to ignore them,prove to them they're wasting time and occasionally give them a piece of my mind.Unfortunately,when it comes to talking ,i forget words .Pathetic :DOh yes i want to slap people when i want to ,kick them and punch them.....Can't i do that?

 

9.As i've mentioned before,i still have no idesa why my friends stick by me.I feel i pretend.Hopefully one day i'd see myself through their eyes and maybe understand something about friendship and really feel like i deserve them.

 

10.I don't know what my definition for successful is right now or what's it going to be in years to come.Yes i want to be successful.Maybe jobwise, with a lot of money but only because i earned it .And i should love my job and love working hard for it.So why can't i bring myself to see this as a sure thing in my future?

 

Is this what was expected from me?Or have i done something wrong?

Anyway i would like some people to be honest and share something with me.Only if you want to.

1)Dayanand

2).Divinediu

3)Sissy

4)Blunt edges(don't know ur name )

5)Sulagna( hey happy to hear your thoughts)

6)Maddy

I pretty much told you about every major event that has happened in my life.N im sorry if i couldn't tell you everything,atleast i told a part of it :D.

 

Just plain Pissed....:|

GOD!.....IM SO FRIGGIN' PISSED!........


its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if  i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .


Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .