Afraid of falling down

Its evening.There's cool breeze outside.It just feel so pleasant.And i like a nutcase am cooped up in my room and online(mom doesn't know...hee hee)

I dont know what this obsession is ......to sit indoors and do absolutely nothing of value.

You know i love these times,when it's quiet ,without anyone bickering,gives you ample time to think .And think about nothing in particular,just about the thousand things u seem to learn and forget everyday only to be reminded some other day.

I trust people easily.I can't do that thing where you seem to be bitching about some one in your head and keep a straight and smiling face at the same time.Sure sometimes its easy.But i've noticed evil entities(according to my definition)can do so with ease and its kind of sickening .Well right now this seems like a vague and not well thought of thought .Just something that was running in my mind due to a small event that happened yesterday.Nothing big.Just was a reminder that i dont know anything .People you think who are nice and well "paap" just turn out to be ,well ,nothing like you thought they could.People you thought you had a clear picture of, even if a bit vague,could turn out to be the exact oppposite of it at the oddest times possible forcing you to wonder why you didn't feel it before.

I've learnt that it really doesn't matter.Though the question continually haunts me.It's just that,is that all?Is that all i can experience when im 18?Is the rest of my life going to be full of THIS ?

I like asking such questions ,but i never seem to get an answer that really satisfies me.Surely life must be more that this.Everyone's ultimate goal in life is contentment.I don't know what i want at this moment.Too confused;a bundle of nerves .There are competions going to be held this semester,and honestly speaking im terrified thinking about something i've never done before.Will i have to have courage to go ahead and try out something i've never done in my life and have no clue whatsoever about where to start.My brother says it's all about learning ,I agree.But im scared shitless.

Do i have the courage to take part and do something completely out of my comfort zone and be glad to make a fool of myself?Honestly,that's what i'm afraid of afterall.Turn out to be completely oppposite to him.Which i am,no doubt about it.

I wanna  learn.Is it too late to learn???Mom says so.

Just afraid of falling down and hurt myself badly.

I hate it when i make excuses.

Luckily i've found the the rightness of trusting my intuitions coz something or the other seems to go wrong if i don't .

Friendship

Ive never considered myself as a good friend..I dunno...

Sometimes i go out of the way for someone even though its not needed and when they don't do the same for me ,I feel that im gettign snubbed.Be it a small thing as expecting a friend to wait for and not go off with his/her new friennds.

But then growing up i realised my foolishness.

Back when i was a kid,when i wasnt even living in this town ,i used to revel in bossing over others.I was always telling my so called friends what to do,how to behave,who to talk to and the bad part was they listened.My head bloated up i guess .It was ridiculous

It quite hilarious considering what i'd done and what I've become.My old friends would never recognise me now-and i'm not talking about the looks depatment.

Here i went to an all girls school.They stripped me off of whatever confidence i had left after "THE SHIFT".
I turned into an emotional wreck.A bundle of nerves.Here i started questioning friendship.I came to understand or rather saw the ugly side of girls that i never knew existed till then.I had been naive.I only got through the whole ridiculois thing only because of a few of the girls and i owe my sane-ness to them.

After that catasrophe,i guess i've learnt to think a lot and i never learnt to stop trusting each and every human being.I just got hurt .I changed over the years with the help of my friends .

Anyway back to the question i always try to find an answer to-Am i a good friend?sure i'd try and keep my friends happy ,but sometimes part of me gets irritated .Sometimes i'm asked to do favours ;sometimes i do them ,sometimes i don't .A reason for this might me my  laziness considering the favour at hand doesnt really require my doing it .If the job at hand really is a small deal ,and the friend asking me isn't a close one ,I dont do it without complaining in my head.Is it bad to be doing that?is it ok to feel lazy?

I\m ot one of those people who has the first idea to get up and get a present for someone.Or congratulate someone for their achievement.i guess you could call me socially inept.Don't get me wrong.I love my friends,and considering my experience im just happy to have them.But am i taking them for granted?I guess i am,a couple of times

Its always a fluctuating personality with me-once im this,once im that.Not stable ;comletely unsure of how I'd behave in a particular situation and whether i like what i end up doing.U know i decide what to do,and end up doing something else.It like I dont have any control over my mind and it freaks me out.

Well i don't think i really wrote what i set out to .But its ok .I'll deal with this problem later when i can understand it properly to put it in words

Ciao.

Just plain Pissed....:|

GOD!.....IM SO FRIGGIN' PISSED!........


its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if  i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .


Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .