Friday, December 31, 2010

Raining Dogs. :D

It's really been a long time since I last posted. Honestly my life hasn't been any less boring than before.There have been moments of insanity brought on by boredom.

But all in all I can say , I've not reached the point where I would consider killing myself.

For a person who's stuck at home for most part of the holidays ,my only entertainment can be TV, my lappy and my dear Mom.

She really has her way with words.If one can go past the high pitched screaming, one would be able to see that being a housewife is really a  tough job.What with the nosy neighbours ,the noisy kids and the cute yet irritating puppy that seems to have made the whole place its playground.

Now you must understand that my mom loves animals.Dogs are her favourite.She feeds any bony creature that comes along because she just can't bear their plight.

This is really sweet of her,I admit.But this also means going up against people who can't stand the howling and the littering rascals.But that hasn't deterred mom.Oh no.

As any common story would have it, this one too wasn't without a villain.The old man aka The Matharo, who frankly is bored out of his mind to be picking a fight at this age.

You see Matharo had once expressed his disgust at having to see fur on the roads he walked.It was harsh but he was entitled to his feelings. However this only made mommy dearest even more vigilant.Her sneaky attempts to drop off food became timed ,like early in the mornings when it was dark out and her customers were reduced to a specific group of the malnourished .She was so dedicated to the task that one failed assignment kept her up at night .It was like a silent war was being fought right behind my house .Matharo was relentless in getting his proof and even managed to fool mom once ,making it seem as if no one were at home,but in reality was standing right by the window of a dark room.He was  intelligent alright.But mom had caught the bluff soon enough .He attempted other strategies but I guess nothing beat keeping a watch 24/7  sitting on his porch.

Its an ongoing,  hilarious mind game ,one that I'm sure won't come to an end at all.

And then there's the new enemy,The Pup.According to what Ive heard from mom,the little runt likes to be the centre of attention and play with people's legs.Its cute ,but not cute enough to melt her.The pup seems to scare away all the dogs -Distress reason #1;And our wuss of a 'guard dog' that we have brought up in our household prefers shitting in the compound rather than biting off the little rascal's head -Distress #2.Its all very frustrating indeed.

The dogs are an integral part of her life now, and I had secretly hoped she would lay off me since they kept her busy. But these duties have made her more agitated than before.She both hates and loves her' kids'.They give her a hard time,never letting her enjoy her trips away from home.But she worries about them nonetheless.

She loves talking about them, though it can be a bit confusing as she seems to curse them wholeheartedly at the same time .You see ,she knows it affects her .And being the kind of person who tenses up every minute of the day ,its doesn't help if one of the dogs doesn't come at the assigned time.Sigh

I can only hope for a better year for her and her dogs.Personally I just hope they keep her busy ;).

Happy New Year Everyone :P

Monday, June 21, 2010


Totally psyched about holidays ,I started off promising to stick with the to-do list this time .But alas!That was not to happen. Confusion confusion. There were so many movies to watch ! Therefore ended up watching two per day with the rest of the time spent wandering from room to room screaming my head off as a result of boredom. Newspaper and other requirements neglected ,I sat disinterested in my room wondering how I was going to spend one and a half more months of this .A lazy ,fat assed girl like me grew even more weary of the bed as the days passed by turning into to weeks


I'm not even into blogging so much anymore .Its either Facebook or Twitter to irritate people with my mindless mumbo-jumbo.

What do i do? is the mantra i say everyday,only to notice the day has almost ended and its time for Castle .

Sitting at home won't solve my problems .Therefore suggestions are welcome :P

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Brand New Eyes

Yesterday’s post had a very optimistic feel to it...when compared to several of my previous posts. Its a sad thing to notice in a blog. A dejected person always whining is not how I wanna spend my life. :)

Have you ever tried to forget everything you’ve learnt till now. Your beliefs, your  ideas on various subjects, the memories good or bad associated with different smells or time of the day...etc etc.

I wanna try doing that. You know ,forget what i was before. I’ve  been wishing for sometime to be able to look at things with a new perspective,  with brand new eyes; feel  everything i’ve felt before yet again, and feel for real this time and make my assessment not assessment but just enjoy them as they come ,good or bad. And make it a whole new experience from the start.

No previous judgements hindering me this time. Now how do i do this????

This means changing my whole life around.Is that even possible.

I read somewhere that it is.

“The whole world is what YOU think of you
So think of it differently and your life will change. “ :) :)

P.S. man! Sem exams on friday and im wasting my tiem getting distracted!!!I really need to get my head in the game :(.....I HATE STUDYING!!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fingers crossed!

They say ,if you have the conviction and if you believe in yourself and the changes you see around you or in you is the pleasant outcome you’ve always wished for ,nothing’s gonna stop you. We hear  so many stories about ordinary people making it big, or someone who’s expected to be so shattered by his misfortune that it comes as a great shock to see him smiling and continuing with the same zest for life as he had before. There’s so much optimism swirling around it you can’t help but hope.

Truth be told ,it is hard and demands a lot from you and i guess ,that’s the main reason why I never trusted in this simple truth enough to give it a try. My problems may be small ,but if I try ,I can just hope i get to the place where I want to .

Many decisions have been made in my head ,and most of the time many of those have never been followed through. I’m a bit apprehensive , ‘cause whatever I’ve done till now, has been a half hearted effort. Nothing for which i can say i gave it my best shot. So you can see my dilemma in trusting my own will.
I’ve got an idea right now .I’m pretty sure if I do this it’s gonna help a lot in the long run. So good luck to me! 
I burned the rice
(Sad little black grains that only Chinese water torture could remove from the pot)
I missed my train
(A caterpillar of white cars closed off its doors and inched into the dark wormhole of a tunnel without me)
it rained and
I forgot my umbrella
(Somehow, a drop found that space between my coat, my shirt, and my skin, and cold water dripped down my back).


I’ve got a dollar in my pocket
and there are all these excellent puddles on the ground
just right for jumping in.
There’s a smile on my face
and the day is looking up.

P.S again ,i didn't write this :P
Check out my friend Maddy's!she's got talent!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Does it mean ,another chapter closed?

The past few weeks were spent in complete emotional turmoil.I get like this when there's someone involved .Yeah i'm talking about a new crush alright .U see,when i develop a crush on someone,and it extends upto a few weeks ,i'll know for sure its gonna stick for way too long ,probably turning me into a neurotic mess.And that my friends was how i lived for the past couple of weeks.Hanging on every word spoken ,dissecting every minute detail and blowing it to a larger size,desperately searching for meanings to understand where this is heading.Kind of reminds me of the character Gigi form He's just not that into you.Yeah, its the usual tale of every girl with a crush :).But it's over now........................i hope.

 Yesterday had a nice chat with a person who in a short time has become a good friend of mine,or I'd like to think so .I think of ourselves as two lost souls ,travelling in the same boat .He prefers to think he's crazy.I was all pissed for reasons,God knows why.I blamed it on the people staying at my house.So invariably i turned to him for his pearls of wisdom :D.I ask way too many questions.Sometimes all one needs to do is let go.I mean its not so easy to forget that we have no control over how things mind end up to be.Anything can happen.So why don't i just go with the flow?

It couldn't hurt so much that it already does right?He continuosly kept stressing on the part of making others happy.Even when people aren't nice to you .Though i don't agree with him now, I know I'll definately see his side of reason .But until then i guess i'll stick with his advice to keep a tab on my anger.

Anyway got to go study for exams or mom might just skin my ass.Dang it!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Beyond mundane

When i was in high school,my morld seemed to revolve around my self-confidence crisis,my friends and the guys after them.My mom had several stories to tell about the women in the church and in the neighbourhood ,about their lives ,what was their current obsesson ,who was acting as if she were a queen and who wasn't talking to who.

Then i reached college.Now, everyday i have a prayer of thanks to God(I would like to believe that he exists) for giving me an opportunity to see a world beyond mine.There are more people out there ,with different cultures,backgrounds and ideals;speaking diffrent languages ,marked by different colours and working with different mindsets.There is so much out there that we haven't experienced and i'l always will be filled with gratitude for that knowledge.
Life is short .How many times have we heard this and actually understood what it meant?Life is SHORT.A couple or more years and the poof!You're gone .Wiped off from the face of the earth; someone else taking your space.Does that make you feel like doing something extra-ordinary?For me?I don't know. I don't have that drive now.Though it does scare me.

But what makes me wonder more is why I back down whenever there's seems to be an opportunity to grow,to learn.It shouldn't matter what others think or not think,what others see or not see.I have one chance to fill my life with adventures,with friends,with love-anything i want to.Best part and the scary part about this is -its my call ;whether i want to get into a fight with a friend and spoil the whole relationship or so somewhere alone or just stop studying or study to my heart's content  etc etc.In the end ,you do whatever makes you happy.
This journey is MINE,mine alone.

When these thoughts visit me ,once in a while , it feels like a a breath of fresh air , life a beautiful sunny mornign,like there's hope-for happiness,contentment.

The decisions I make matter.This independence is a powerful tool.They'll define me and take me where i have eventually end up.

The people i know may or may not be a part of me future.Yet the need for pretense at times is still strong.Why do mundane things in life make us forget the bigger truth?-that these things don't even matter.Yet these are the things that fill our lives ,sometimes barely enough to avoid depression and sometimes to the brim,that it chokes us .

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hypocrite,who ?me?

I want to write a post and all i can seem to do is cry out in frustration!.I think about going to college tonorrow and the thought doesn't bring me any excitement now.

I accuse my mom of comparing ,but its actually me who keeps doing that every minute if the day!I'm never satisfied,am i?Yet I'm the one who judges others if they are better or worse off than me.I disappoint myself.
I wrinkle my nose and shake my head in disapproval when someone else does it.That makes me a hypocrite now,doesn't it?:| 

Whenever i look at myself im never happy with what i have and what i don't have.Am i being too critical o fjust ungrateful? Yet at times ,I am one of those people who look down on others.It's a thought that stays for only a split second,but it leaves a bad taste when its gone.

I worry about what I have to answer to people even when i know that what's happening is something so minor,yet blown out of proportions.I have a choice.I always have a choice.But I tend to forget that everytime and give into the daily trends wherever it might be,at home,at college ,at hostel ,anywhere.I do what everybody does.Yet i claim to be different,think differently.Does anyone have any clue what I'm talking about?

I'm weak.I have this hazy view of myself.I'm frustrated,comfused as ever.Why does everyone look as if they have everything sorted.I know that's not the case.But still ,they seem to go through each day as if they know exactly what they're doing.Maybe not as planned ,but prepared anyway.

Im scared to make decisions .I mean,Its simple .It can be either this or that.But for me,if i choose Way 1,i start wondering about what could have been had I chosen Way 2.Its the fear of being wrong  that doesn't let me grow, the fear of making mistakes that doesn't let me learn and adapt, the failure to do something about ignorance because of laziness is what that makes me weak.

Life can be exciting of i will it to be.But it's sad that I can't seem to control my head.It's really sad.

I'm a hypocrite
How about you?

Do you ever get so disgusted with yourself
that you sort of just want to shake your head
and laugh at how pathetically fake you are?
Do you ever feel sick at how often
you become everything you say you hate?
how often you're the opposite
of everything you want to be?

I'm a liar
How about you?

Does it ever occur to you
that everything you say about yourself is
just a makeshift disguise?
Do you ever wonder
If all your words are just that -
Words, and nothing more?
Does it ever frighten you
How easy it is to pretend?

I'm a coward
How about you?

Have you ever been so scared
that you find yourself making all the betrayals
you promised yourself you never would?
Has it ever hit you between the eyes
that most of your glowing ideals are
a hell of a lot easier said than done?
and that you're brave enough to say all these things
but not enough to live them?
Have you ever loved someone
and not told them
because you were afraid
no one else would understand?

I'm shallow
How about you?
[This is the worst.]

Have you ever congratulated yourself
on your depth of thought
and your understanding of things
Only to find you've forgotten
the starving and the orphans,
the persecuted and the enslaved,
because you were crying over how ugly you felt?
Have you ever talked about how
"What's on the inside counts"
All the while knowing you'd much rather be seen
[and see yourself, in fact]
with the people who dress right, act right, smell right?

Have you, have you?
Have you ever been like me?

Have you ever left a better man
for a better looking one?
Have you ever left a good person
for a popular one?

Have you ever left a powerful relationship for an easy one?

Yes, we can say a lot of things,
but doing them, that's another matter entirely
Sometimes I wonder,
Does it even matter what we say?
Is it really all just empty words?

Oh friends
Can't we all just stand and confess
We're not the heroes and saints
we'd like to believe we are?

If we're going to be liars
Can't we at least be honest liars?

I am a hypocrite, a liar, a coward and all the rest . . .
How about you? 

P.S i didn't write this.But whoever did,thanks :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

wAKE uP!

So here i had three holidays to do something......something that could ,you know,be of importance.But i just chose to spend most of it whining about "not feeling" like doing anything....Though i don't think i would have studied anyway.....

Anyway i watched Wake Up Sid! today...better late than never :D.The song ,at the end of the movie actually inspired me more than the movie.I just thought Sid had it easy his whole life,so didn't actually feel him "waking".But that's another matter.The lyrics-i listened to the song today ,and i just loved them.How many of us live life like that.

You my life till now was concerned only with my inability to talk to people or my marks or how to make my life like my brother's.I always considered other things wayu back in my list of priorities.But you know what,i didn't do much about it.Sure i whined about it,and actually forced to change myself,I still think there's more i can do.

The songs talks about doing something,let it be crying or laughing .Anything.Everything you do,is in one way or another important.I mean COME ON!this is your life ,a short one at that.Wouldn't you wanna die knowing you didn't waste any of your time.Now i don't wanna think about dying and all.But i know for sure i hate the word REGRET.I actually thought helping people ,was a waste of time.Part of me wanted to help,Part of me complained.That's not how  i wanna be.I wanna live knowing that what i do ,whenever i do it,has a meaning and is worth it.

So let's see how this attitude works out for me.

waqt hai kya tumako pata hai na
so gayi raat jaake din hai abb jaag utha
aankhein masalata hai saara yeh sama
aawaazein bhi leti hai angadaayiya
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

yeh jo kahein woh jo kahein sun lo
baat jo sahin dil ko lage chun lo
karana hai kya tumhe yeh tum hi karo faisala
yeh soch lo tumakao jaana hai kahaan
tum hi musaafir tum hi toh ho kaarwaan
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

aaj bhi dekho kal jaisa hi na ho
aaj bhi yuun na tum sote hi raho
itane kyun sust ho kuchh kaho kuchh suno, kuchh na kuchh karo
ro padon ya hanso jindagi mein koyi na koyi toh rang bharo
wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno
wake up

(wake up sid saare pal kahe, wake up sid chal kahin chale
wake up sid sab dishaao se aa rahi hai sada sun sako agar suno) - (2)
wake up

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My honest scrap :)


Ramit gave this to me.Honestly wasn't my name obvious?What did you think it meant?:P
Anyway i'm supposed to write 10 honest things about me.I'l try.Sorry if i bore you to death.Will try as hard as i can to shorten the post .So here goes :

1.Death.I had never thought I'd be one of those people who would get to see their loved one die.I mean ,when your just 6 or 7,maybe i got the age wrong,i don't remember ,and you've seen it happening in serials its a bit hard to come to terms with the fact that it happens in real life. So i guess one can understand why i sat there smiling when asked my the photographer to sit still.Though the loss was too great,i'm guilty for not feeling that sad and that it hasn't affected me in a major way.

2.I have this empty feeling when i think about the place i'd lived my first 12 years in.It feels like it never happened.NO.Actually it feels like a distant memory.Like i know for a fact i was there,but just dont know how i lived there.Thinking back ,i seemed i can't understand how, without my relatives that i have now,i lived there.That place feels dark and lonely.

3.One of my regrets was hurting my Aunt.Even though i wasn't close to her,she loved me as far as i know.I met her once in a year,n a brat that i was ,i used to visit her only because i could play with her kittens.But the last time i met her,there weren't any.So as usual ,i threw a tantrum forcing my mom to leave without even sitting for a drink. I feel sick for being so stubborn and selfish.Wonder why my mom didn't slap some sense into me right then ....:(I'm so sorry.

4.I was so happy when my mom had agreed to give me what i had wanted.I couldn't  believe it!This was huge , i knew.It was permanently going to change our lives.That's when she dropped the bomb.It wasn't going to be 2 but 3 .I was furious.I didn't want to see reason.But of course she was right.I couldn't take care of her then could i?So though i got what i wanted ,I had to put up with the catch .Should i be asking ,was it fair?I dunno.I guess it was for the best.Better than that lonely place.I got warmth for accepting the deal.SO there was something good in it.Sorry for not elaborating.Guess i'm not being fully honest here .
5.I was easily influenced by what others thought and did.So it didn't take me much time to get a boyfriend.He was sweet and loving.But i was scared.Sure i liked him.But i wasn't ready.Wasn't ready to get into a relationship.It was my first time of course.So i pushed him out.I had a good reason ,or so i told my self.Haven't gone out with anyone since coz i learnt that what i wanted wasn't going to be a waste of time.It was going to be real.And i didn't want it to be uncomfortable.So i knew i wan't ready.I still am not.Not yet.
6.After moving here,I had many ups and downs.My self-esteem took a huge blow.Saw the cruelties girls had to offer.Learnt who my good friends were and who i had to stay away from.Took a lot of time to learn that.But i grew into what i am today.So i guess what happened is ok.Wouldn't like to go back though,not for the world.:)

7.My second year at pre-university college was a blast.I became the assistent class rep.That's when i made my best buddies.I got to shout ,scream ,curse people .Pursue someone i had a huge crush on for the whole year,not considering the fact that he turned out to be a complete jerk.

8.I still can't figure out how to not give a rat's ass to what others think about me.I want to be able to ignore them,prove to them they're wasting time and occasionally give them a piece of my mind.Unfortunately,when it comes to talking ,i forget words .Pathetic :DOh yes i want to slap people when i want to ,kick them and punch them.....Can't i do that?

9.As i've mentioned before,i still have no idesa why my friends stick by me.I feel i pretend.Hopefully one day i'd see myself through their eyes and maybe understand something about friendship and really feel like i deserve them.

10.I don't know what my definition for successful is right now or what's it going to be in years to come.Yes i want to be successful.Maybe jobwise, with a lot of money but only because i earned it .And i should love my job and love working hard for it.So why can't i bring myself to see this as a sure thing in my future?

Is this what was expected from me?Or have i done something wrong?

Anyway i would like some people to be honest and share something with me.Only if you want to.

4)Blunt edges(don't know ur name )
5)Sulagna( hey happy to hear your thoughts)

I pretty much told you about every major event that has happened in my life.N im sorry if i couldn't tell you everything,atleast i told a part of it :D.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Afraid of falling down

Its evening.There's cool breeze outside.It just feel so pleasant.And i like a nutcase am cooped up in my room and online(mom doesn't know...hee hee)

I dont know what this obsession is sit indoors and do absolutely nothing of value.

You know i love these times,when it's quiet ,without anyone bickering,gives you ample time to think .And think about nothing in particular,just about the thousand things u seem to learn and forget everyday only to be reminded some other day.

I trust people easily.I can't do that thing where you seem to be bitching about some one in your head and keep a straight and smiling face at the same time.Sure sometimes its easy.But i've noticed evil entities(according to my definition)can do so with ease and its kind of sickening .Well right now this seems like a vague and not well thought of thought .Just something that was running in my mind due to a small event that happened yesterday.Nothing big.Just was a reminder that i dont know anything .People you think who are nice and well "paap" just turn out to be ,well ,nothing like you thought they could.People you thought you had a clear picture of, even if a bit vague,could turn out to be the exact oppposite of it at the oddest times possible forcing you to wonder why you didn't feel it before.

I've learnt that it really doesn't matter.Though the question continually haunts me.It's just that,is that all?Is that all i can experience when im 18?Is the rest of my life going to be full of THIS ?

I like asking such questions ,but i never seem to get an answer that really satisfies me.Surely life must be more that this.Everyone's ultimate goal in life is contentment.I don't know what i want at this moment.Too confused;a bundle of nerves .There are competions going to be held this semester,and honestly speaking im terrified thinking about something i've never done before.Will i have to have courage to go ahead and try out something i've never done in my life and have no clue whatsoever about where to start.My brother says it's all about learning ,I agree.But im scared shitless.

Do i have the courage to take part and do something completely out of my comfort zone and be glad to make a fool of myself?Honestly,that's what i'm afraid of afterall.Turn out to be completely oppposite to him.Which i am,no doubt about it.

I wanna  learn.Is it too late to learn???Mom says so.

Just afraid of falling down and hurt myself badly.

I hate it when i make excuses.

Luckily i've found the the rightness of trusting my intuitions coz something or the other seems to go wrong if i don't .

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The blog contest

Hey ppl...i just read about this competition -"THE BLOG CONTEST" rather bythe colous magazine.This should be fun.All we have to do is submit our best post in the january month .That's it.No filling forms,no struggling over the details .Now isn't that simple!

So why don't you join in too ?:)

Meeting memorable

And so i'm back!

College didn't start with a bang.....but i guess i knew it wouldn't .Took some time to adjust again and then i just started having a good time.So YAY!

A very good friend of mine came all the way to Nitte to visit his friends from Aloy.Actually I hadn't ecpected him to do so.We had agreed to meet at a common library after many months later, but he had slept off :D.hehe.

Anyway ,on tuesday i get a msg in the lunch break he's here.I run to finish my lunch and meet him.But during that period a wave of nostalgia hits me and i smile.This was the guy who had this thing about girls-he hated them!He considered all of them scary ,manipulating people who loved to waste time i guess.He admitted he didn't like me at first .That had come as a shock considering we were on friendly terms when he revealed it .Plus the fact that i was kinda his assistant in monitoring our class.We had become good friends over time and now we are best buddies.

And now we were going to meet after so many months.I admit i was nervous.But then ,everything turned out fine.I had a good time.I was really glad to meet him and he even bought me a birthday gift.Hadn't expected him to and i was like ,wow,I have really good friends.I'm sorry i just didn't know how to write this in a better way.Don't have an idea.Just wanted to share this with you guys .

And Thanks a lot buddy.You've been there when i was crazy and delusional and irritating and you've always managed to clear my doubts on so many questions i keep throwing at you.Thanks a lot.I really liked the keychain!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I wish ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Coll starts from tomo........NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I don't wanna go back to that place.I don't know what was so horrible with it.Probably the thought if spending another 4-6 months in that hell.God !Everyone says hostel is so much fun,but i just can't seem to remember one thing that made me like that place.And now i have to go back.

Same ol' pretension,same ol' loneliness,same ol' bitchiness,same ol' thoughts about trying to prove i'm not llike somebody else.........I don't think i'l be able to take another dose of it again!

I wish for a new beginning,a new way of life,maybe a little more sync with my thoughts,a little more in touch with myself  ,a little slowing down to see the world around.

I hope i'm able to realize what's truly important to me and NOT waste my time on dramas.

I hope i can be myself  :)

 Just pray for a new start .

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Ive never considered myself as a good friend..I dunno...

Sometimes i go out of the way for someone even though its not needed and when they don't do the same for me ,I feel that im gettign snubbed.Be it a small thing as expecting a friend to wait for and not go off with his/her new friennds.

But then growing up i realised my foolishness.

Back when i was a kid,when i wasnt even living in this town ,i used to revel in bossing over others.I was always telling my so called friends what to do,how to behave,who to talk to and the bad part was they listened.My head bloated up i guess .It was ridiculous

It quite hilarious considering what i'd done and what I've become.My old friends would never recognise me now-and i'm not talking about the looks depatment.

Here i went to an all girls school.They stripped me off of whatever confidence i had left after "THE SHIFT".
I turned into an emotional wreck.A bundle of nerves.Here i started questioning friendship.I came to understand or rather saw the ugly side of girls that i never knew existed till then.I had been naive.I only got through the whole ridiculois thing only because of a few of the girls and i owe my sane-ness to them.

After that catasrophe,i guess i've learnt to think a lot and i never learnt to stop trusting each and every human being.I just got hurt .I changed over the years with the help of my friends .

Anyway back to the question i always try to find an answer to-Am i a good friend?sure i'd try and keep my friends happy ,but sometimes part of me gets irritated .Sometimes i'm asked to do favours ;sometimes i do them ,sometimes i don't .A reason for this might me my  laziness considering the favour at hand doesnt really require my doing it .If the job at hand really is a small deal ,and the friend asking me isn't a close one ,I dont do it without complaining in my head.Is it bad to be doing that?is it ok to feel lazy?

I\m ot one of those people who has the first idea to get up and get a present for someone.Or congratulate someone for their achievement.i guess you could call me socially inept.Don't get me wrong.I love my friends,and considering my experience im just happy to have them.But am i taking them for granted?I guess i am,a couple of times

Its always a fluctuating personality with me-once im this,once im that.Not stable ;comletely unsure of how I'd behave in a particular situation and whether i like what i end up doing.U know i decide what to do,and end up doing something else.It like I dont have any control over my mind and it freaks me out.

Well i don't think i really wrote what i set out to .But its ok .I'll deal with this problem later when i can understand it properly to put it in words


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Just plain Pissed....:|


its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if  i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .

Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


My mom's done a lot for me,sent me to all the right classes.But i always stopped halfway,EACH AND EVERYTIME!,and i'm pretty sure i've disappointed her like a zillion times.I bet she always wonders what might have been.......if i had completed those courses,not shied away everytime someone asked me to sing in front of a bunch of oldies (that terrified me!)and not allowed some other kid to take away the limelight and had wanted to become a doctor rather than an engineer....

It always brought a smile to her face whenever i played my guitar,whatever little i knew ...she paid so much and i think she deserves better.

Yesterday was just like any other day except when i decided to take out my guitar and play some songs...n i always practise with the same set of chords ...well she need not know that ... anyway she then asked me if i ever practised the lead of some of the songs that sir had taught me and that was enough for me to snap at her...

Pissed and guilty i went to my room and i thought  about what she's done for me ,and i see or rather make up  a future(for i'm really good at that,and my dream today was so awesome......there are these zombies or these infected ppl and my family turns into like 14 ,,....and as usual im the hero of the story,,,i kill others and try to find out a way to reverse the process of zombification ...anyway im back with my sane family,4 years later but its like a place hidden from the infected.We have schools there,and there's this group of ppl or rather army...that recruits youngsters like us........yeah my dreams are weird...and this must be a mixture of terminator and resident evil....hee hee)....

Ahem,back to whatever i was writing.Ah the future, i see a proud mother and blah blah and i say to myself ...i'm gonna do something about whatever talent i have ..make somethin of myself  and with all this pep talk i practice my guitar

But I'm not convinced ...........u see, i might say a lot of things ,but i dont do them .i leave things  in the middle if it doesn't work out or if it messes up my tv schedule .... and so i don't trust myself with anything i think in my head.Then i remind myself -ONE DAY AT A TIME.I do believe in living life this way .....but its hard .

I've always admired the girls of my age who know what they want and then diligently working towards it.Its really frustrating when u've got all these thoughts in your head....and its only you there....i mean yeah you can always talk to people ,let it all out ,but there's no guarantee they'd understand at all or think its no big deal or just not have time to listen....

Anyway on that happy thought ,i'l go back to sulking.Sry for jumping from one topic to another

PS.I saw this cute guy today ,and damnit i didn't smile at him.well its not like i would have really ,but then i had this pissed off look on my face caused by my messing up the riding session of my mom's Pleasure leading to growling and screaming on the road...yeah pretty good day....and my bro's getting on my nerves ..can i write so much on post scripts?????

Friday, January 8, 2010

3 idiots :D


So today my friends and i made a plan to watch a movie in adlabs-3 IDIOTS.

i was sceptical about this.I thought AVATAR would have been a better option.It came as a shock to me when one of my friends told me-what's there in that movie?...n i was like..what the..?..helloooooooo...that movie's awesome (forgive my vocab...i have no other words to describe its awesomeness)....i mean can't you just see the promos and be blown away???her answer-no,not at all

this ain't right....did she actually say that????

i stare at her.....i continue staring....i still stare at her till i realise she has nothing more to say about it.

i guess everyone has their own opinion about stuff.

Anyway ,we moved on and watched the movie-3 IDIOTS.Must say ,it wasn't that bad.Infact it was great.Though i guess it didn't have that effect that JAB WE MET had on me.I guess i'm a sucker for romance.Well not in real life.I guess it'll be all awkward for me and i'll probably run away.

Back to the movie,it has some elements of 5 point someone.And the story was quite unrealistic.It was very funny yes.Though i found it very weird when my friends laughed for something and i didn't;while for other things it was only me laughing while they just looked on(um,something wrong with me?????).Then the end part,the vacuum pump and all,very impressive,but again it was too hard for me to buy it.And Aamir Khan turning into Mr.WAGUNDE or WAGUMBE....the famous scientist..or something like that,now that was totally bogus.But in the end i guess the movie was a treat to watch ,however it was.I'd say it was worth my money ( or rather my mom's-though i don't think she's gonna give me any for avatar :(...)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Not so magical for me :(

I’ve just reached home from after grocery shopping with my mom and I’m beat.
January 1st,the first day of a brand new year .Oh ,what i had expected and what I got. For me ,who’s become so used to the dullness of life ,sure had an eventful day.  Chemistry ,a subject that i hate, and ironically a part of a branch i wish to study was an exam i had to answer yesterday. Hmmmm, it was horrible!...ok maybe i’m exaggerating a li’l bit but yeah,  wasn’t as if it was a piece of cake either(not that i expected it to be so easy, but still). And i won’t blame myself that i didn’t study in the week i got. I had (well not that much)  coz even if i had it wouldn’t have helped .i had studied after my practical exam and well earnestly .But who knew they would give the questions that i hadn’t studies for :P.Ok maybe this is a lost argument  and I should probably stop babbling.
Anyway then comes the afternoon part where i realize i’ve lost my bsnl sim. It shocks me that I’ve become so irresponsible and lazy. Maybe its the hostel ki hawa doing this to me. Anyway I tell my mom about this in the  evening after i’ve turned my room upside down .She yells at me, describes how I’m gonna die after dad comes to know and i just stand there appalled by my behaviour staring as she goes on telling me about all the complications I’ve created by my act of stupidity.
Today we go and enquire about the procedure and find out we have to give a police complaint .My mom has to come with me coz the sim’s under her name .We have to walk a lot but in the end all goes well. I  get a replacement  .
Now comes the very very bad part .Mom had to tell dad about all this. And all i can do is wish for that part to be magically skipped or um, hope that it never  God? pretty please ,with sugar on top?
I had wished ,as i always end up doing,that this year would be a different one,a special one,that the first day would be pleasant,somewhat magical (yeah yeah real life -no magic stuff but what's the harm in wishing?) .but i guess i was wrong...again :(