Holidays!!!!!!!!

Totally psyched about holidays ,I started off promising to stick with the to-do list this time .But alas!That was not to happen. Confusion confusion. There were so many movies to watch ! Therefore ended up watching two per day with the rest of the time spent wandering from room to room screaming my head off as a result of boredom. Newspaper and other requirements neglected ,I sat disinterested in my room wondering how I was going to spend one and a half more months of this .A lazy ,fat assed girl like me grew even more weary of the bed as the days passed by turning into to weeks

Sigh.

I'm not even into blogging so much anymore .Its either Facebook or Twitter to irritate people with my mindless mumbo-jumbo.

What do i do? is the mantra i say everyday,only to notice the day has almost ended and its time for Castle .

Sitting at home won't solve my problems .Therefore suggestions are welcome :P

I wish ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Coll starts from tomo........NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I don't wanna go back to that place.I don't know what was so horrible with it.Probably the thought if spending another 4-6 months in that hell.God !Everyone says hostel is so much fun,but i just can't seem to remember one thing that made me like that place.And now i have to go back.

Same ol' pretension,same ol' loneliness,same ol' bitchiness,same ol' thoughts about trying to prove i'm not llike somebody else.........I don't think i'l be able to take another dose of it again!

I wish for a new beginning,a new way of life,maybe a little more sync with my thoughts,a little more in touch with myself  ,a little slowing down to see the world around.

I hope i'm able to realize what's truly important to me and NOT waste my time on dramas.

I hope i can be myself  :)

 Just pray for a new start .

Just plain Pissed....:|

GOD!.....IM SO FRIGGIN' PISSED!........


its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.

I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.

But then as if  i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .


Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?

I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.

Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .

Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?

I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???

Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???

anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .

MOMMY MOMMY WHAT DO I DO ?????

My mom's done a lot for me,sent me to all the right classes.But i always stopped halfway,EACH AND EVERYTIME!,and i'm pretty sure i've disappointed her like a zillion times.I bet she always wonders what might have been.......if i had completed those courses,not shied away everytime someone asked me to sing in front of a bunch of oldies (that terrified me!)and not allowed some other kid to take away the limelight and had wanted to become a doctor rather than an engineer....

It always brought a smile to her face whenever i played my guitar,whatever little i knew ...she paid so much and i think she deserves better.

Yesterday was just like any other day except when i decided to take out my guitar and play some songs...n i always practise with the same set of chords ...well she need not know that ... anyway she then asked me if i ever practised the lead of some of the songs that sir had taught me and that was enough for me to snap at her...

Pissed and guilty i went to my room and i thought  about what she's done for me ,and i see or rather make up  a future(for i'm really good at that,and my dream today was so awesome......there are these zombies or these infected ppl and my family turns into them....im like 14 ,,....and as usual im the hero of the story,,,i kill others and try to find out a way to reverse the process of zombification ...anyway im back with my sane family,4 years later but its like a place hidden from the infected.We have schools there,and there's this group of ppl or rather army...that recruits youngsters like us........yeah my dreams are weird...and this must be a mixture of terminator and resident evil....hee hee)....

Ahem,back to whatever i was writing.Ah the future, i see a proud mother and blah blah and i say to myself ...i'm gonna do something about whatever talent i have ..make somethin of myself  and with all this pep talk i practice my guitar

But I'm not convinced ...........u see, i might say a lot of things ,but i dont do them .i leave things  in the middle if it doesn't work out or if it messes up my tv schedule .... and so i don't trust myself with anything i think in my head.Then i remind myself -ONE DAY AT A TIME.I do believe in living life this way .....but its hard .

I've always admired the girls of my age who know what they want and then diligently working towards it.Its really frustrating when u've got all these thoughts in your head....and its only you there....i mean yeah you can always talk to people ,let it all out ,but there's no guarantee they'd understand at all or think its no big deal or just not have time to listen....

Anyway on that happy thought ,i'l go back to sulking.Sry for jumping from one topic to another

PS.I saw this cute guy today ,and damnit i didn't smile at him.well its not like i would have really ,but then i had this pissed off look on my face caused by my messing up the riding session of my mom's Pleasure leading to growling and screaming on the road...yeah pretty good day....and my bro's getting on my nerves ..can i write so much on post scripts?????