Sunday, December 20, 2009
(only for those who have seen me in person)
Ive finally straightened my hair!......well actually did that on thursday and today i just went in for a trim....christmas i'm all ready for you!
n im not putting my pic...coz im really not that photogenic....
anyway see ya for now.....who knws when il be back:(
Saturday, December 19, 2009
My life at present seems to be too caught up in the unhealthy world of TV. I’ve heard people talking about their addiction to cigarettes and alcohol and even porn on various talk shows but I never understood what was so appealing and tempting about it that drew one closer and closer and just swallowed you whole like quicksand and you just couldn’t get out of it .Well now I get the picture.
IM ADDICTED TO TV!....
Whole day I’ve got only one thing on my mind-sit on the couch and stare at that bloody piece of crap! and I don’t even watch educational stuff!
Well...............I don’t actually agree with myself entirely. Movies can be educational....
Today I watched a beautiful movie-Sweet November...well its not a new one on the block and I never bothered to watch it before. The movie’s kinda like A WALK TO REMEMBER.
Charlize’s character was just marvellous. I just loved her attitude to life. She lived it the way she wanted to .Well her having less time in the world is a different matter .Anyway, I guess ,I dunno , but everyone of us ,deep down, would love to be like her-u knw,not thinking about THE job,not thinking about money ,not conforming to the rules of the place( it scares the shit outta me to change and i envy those who aren’t)
One could say that’s shirking away from responsibilities, wasting time thinking about a fool’s paradise by not being serious about what should be and seems to be a predetermined notion of things that are important.
Ah, my head’s spinning.............
Sheesh , why can’t i just think about make-up and boys and revenge tactics all the time...that’ll keep me busy.
Anyway I’ve spent only about three and half hours today studying .That’s it. And this has been the case since the past few days i’ve been home.
I just wanna let go.....of all the feelings ,all the thoughts....just sit and well, do nothing at all...no reminiscing, no painful memories, no daydreaming about incidents i would want to occur, no worrying about my exam BEING ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
i do wish i could write regularly...n i tell myself whatever excuse i have isnt good enough ....considering im good at making excuses..always saying no ...i just end up irritating the hell out of myself ....
so nowadays i just stay away from my computer...i dont have anything to do....i hate my classes(boooooooooooooooring)......and i just hate the nights i spend after them...i mean i know hostel can be fun....but there's just this void....i mean i can just snap out of it but dont choose too....pathetic is what i feel...
i love being crazy and stupid....that's when i really feel alive ....that's when i enjoy my life the most...that's when i forget to irritate myself with all those thoughts u think when ur so jobless.....
but alas,nowadys there's hardly been a time when i felt that.....should i be blaming the circumstances?......i dunno...
busy busy busy is what i wanna be, i want a tattoo(.....hmmmmm yeah!....)ooooooooh n a guy i like to have as my boyfriend ...i want my best friends to be in the same coll as me ...(fassu ,gautam and alison i do miss aloy)....i wanna be able to piss off my big brother all the time.(hee hee what fun that would be)...i wanna change my hairstyle(im doing it soon enough ,so thank god!)....i wanna stop being lazy(dunno if its ever going to happen in this lifetime ).....i wanna stop sucking at basketball :P....(but hey i think im getting better after i fell :D,i almost kicked ass!)...i wanna laugh n scream n act stupid n first and foremost stop pretending to be good...u kno there are times when u have these angry thoughts in ur head abt a person when he/she is right in front of you but u cant even manage to squeak out even some of them......well i wanna stop doing that.................................
my "want" list just keeps going on ....
ahh.....i feel better already....:)
and now i gtg study for my stupid exams....(ooooooooooooooooh yeah how could i forget...i want exams to be terminated )
buh bye for now :)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
We all know life's full of ups and downs.Small things can bother me a lot.I start thinking of a thing that might not need so much attention and then unknowingly blow it out of proportions.Worry ,Worry ,Worry -that's what i do and i can never seem to get out of that irritating state of mind.It's so unstable that i need someone to tell me that what i'm thinking and feeling is right.I don't seem to trust myself.God, it pisses me off!
And i can't handle confident people-they intimidate me.You must think i'm a wuss.Don't worry i'm with ya....
There are people who come into your life once in a while who seem like any other person you've met....but what you u don't guess is what impact they can have on your life.Well one such person just happened to come one day and change my feelings by merely telling me that she expected great things from me.And i thought to myself....why do i keep feeding that shit to my head when clearly i'm capable of a lot more .I might not be like my brother,i might certainly not be like that girl in my class who makes me so mad (though i admire her confidence),but i can be the girl i know i am .I'm not a wuss!
Life can be so unreal sometimes....with its maddening way to hurt and confuse you and equally surprising gifts to pacify you that it makes this whole journey all the more pleasant.....
There's still some doubt .....i know i can revert back to the old thinking ..but until then i hope i can do some damage....:D
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Our college hosted the IGNITE fest which had about a dozen competitions going for three days that were all fun and well, an eye-opener for me. There’s so much talent and my GOD ,I have never thought of Dumb Charades as such a complex game before!
Anyway, I had to make a friend of mine to promise to drag me and make me register at least for one event lest I back down at the last minute. And well she made sure I did just that. I gave my name for DC and bluffmaster , a first for me in both the cases. DC was actually a last minute decision. The same friend and I decided to make a team and go for it. Turned out we sucked at it. But it also brought us a little more closer considering the revelation that we both don’t know anything of pretty much everything.(Okay ,maybe I’m exaggerating there a little bit ,but its close enough to the truth ).Plus it also gave me an opportunity to defy THE EVIL AND OBNOXIOUS BABY (she’s still a pain in my ass) and go to a senior’s room and actually stay there for hours in the forbidden building (or atleast forbidden to me).Ha Ha ,IN YOUR FACE BABY darling!
I improved at DC alright .But it wasn’t good enough coz we looked like total idiots on the stage(which isn’t a first for me btw. I’ve had my moments ).But on a more cheerful thought I’d be happy to tell you I didn’t screw up bluffmaster .Well yeah, i didn’t get selected in either (I’d be a fool to wish that since a few of them including my uncle were too good!).All in all it was a good day for me ,that day. Got to bunk class! Got to see a lot of crazy stuff and the spirit of the contestants was enticing .
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Why do seniors have to rag juniors?What can they possibly get by "teasing" harmless newcomers?Is it to appease their vanity?What makes them so special?Don't tell me all this attitude is because they joined the college before we did. So what? That's hardly anything to hold against us!
I didn't know ragging could be so scary,if i hadn't been travelling in 47 yesterday all set to go home wishing earnestly that we would be safe in a bus full of seniors.And guess what,my prayers weren't heard.For my friend got ragged because he was misunderstood to have shown attitude to the seniors .The senior was a very irritating 4th year who practically screamed into out ears whenever he opened his horrible mouth .Heard he's all talk and the fact that my friend was actually the son of a police officer.Nice!After worrying for almost throughout the journey i come to know all this !And that stupid moron of a senior had the audacity to tell me to chill because it was none of my business!The hell with him! Who did he think he was?That stupid squeaking mouse!
Anyway the matter was settled .He was all talk afterall.Crazy person!
P.S Im getting used to the hostel just after one week of staying there which has surprised me a lot
Friday, August 21, 2009
During my vacation i never really paused to think how it would be.I had always seen my brother coming home and lying on the bed unable to move ,but i never really thought any of it.As my days of freedom were nearing the end ,i couldn't help look forward to the day when i'd start going to college and studying all these things that i had seen so called professionals today study .I was so excited that i was going to be one of them soon.It couldn't be so bad.So many people do it.
And so there i was on my first day to college and boy, was i in for a huge surprise.
My body ached.My head threathened to fall off thanks to the roads.Weren't they just beautiful!I was filled with awe and nausea.
Classes started with a big bang! DIFFRENTIATE THIS ! and INTEGRATE THAT !....what is sinAcosB....etc etc...shooting out every minute.It might sound as if this is nothing but trust me after almost three months of no diffrentiation and integration how in the world could one possibly answer such horrifying questions. As usual i went into a depression mode but thank God,only for sometime.
My day couldn't have been better!
Right now i can only hope for better days and try to take things one day at a time
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Me and my bro are discussing about where he got the huge samosas from. Mom enters the room and starts ,
“Jesse’s phone call has had my head boiling”(translated fron Konkani)
I roll my eyes .Here we go again.
“I can’t believe i didn’t realize it before. My daughter IS stupid. I should have seen the signs. First she goes off and takes up electronics and now she says she wants to do biotech! If i had known before i would have stopped you.....n blah blah blah.”
My mind goes into hyperactive mode as always.
I imagine myself slapping her so called best friend screaming “DIE...DIE ...DIE”.
Who cares if some of them didn’t make it. Doesn’t mean i won’t .
As my mom keeps blabbering on ,with the look on her face as if i’m close to death, i look at my brother for help,for some words to make her stop her emotional outburst .It always gives me headaches .That good- for-nothing monkey just shrugs and continues eating his damned samosa.
I continue screaming silently ,slowly losing my mind because i have nothing to prove her wrong .I sit there watching her scream and pity my fate .
Why do mothers do that?
It’s quite demeaning and insulting sometimes.
Why don’t they just trust their kids ?They worry , i know.But still ,what’s done is done.Let go.
I leave her in the kitchen screaming and go outside calming myself with the thought of my new mobile .
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Sometimes i wonder whether coming here was a mistake , whether i would have been happy there ,how would my life had turned out if i had stayed back? Am i more happier here than when i had been there ? and some more questions that eat at the back of my head often .Now when i think of my life back then , compared to the present me, i feel i was a completely clueless stranger there. Even though it was the place i spent my first seven years in, where i knew people but who didn’t feel like family. I did have friends , well an appropriate word to describe me would have been a ‘snob’. Funny how people change .Right now if anyone ever asks me whether i prefer this place or that, i wouldn’t hesitate to answer the most obvious one.
This place has taught me a lot....made me question and think about things ,exposed me to rock music and callousness and the bitching behaviour of girls all through high school, to depression and later the struggle of overcoming it and not losing my sanity.So I’d say I’ve been through a hell of a lot of things that i wouldn’t have if i had been back there and I’m pretty sure there’s more to come.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Well coming back to the task at hand ,my mom never tried to find out my blood group when i was a baby (well i think that would have been less painful because then i wont be remembering any of it). But now , at this age ,i wouldnt have even dreamed of going near the hospitals with that weird odour, let alone a needle!......
And so there i was with my one hand stretched out while my other hand over my eyes closed tightly ,as my mom warned me against screaming or crying hysterically because my days as a kid were over .And so all i did when the fat man pierced the needle through my skin was think "I can bear this " repeatedly trying hard to concentrate on something else and guess what , i didn't hurt at all , just a slight pricking sensation that's all and i'm sure that this doesnt sound like a big thing, i mean many people do it.Well after opening my eyes to discover the huge amount of blood (well it looked like that for me) the fat man took from me and since this was the day i was gonna know my blood group i'd say i did a pretty swell job of not running like a lunatic ,out of the place.It might look like i'm hyping this incident, but for some reason i felt that by knowing my blood group i might finally understand who or what i really am.Just a stupid thought ,coz apparently i didn't .
Well everything put aside , we finally managed to reach the college on time and get my admission
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Even when I know u could go to any length ,to any degree of discomfort just to make me comfortable.
Even when I know u grant my every wish
Even when I know u forgive my mistakes whatever they might be.
Even when I know that u listen patiently to everything I have to say and even act as if you’ve forgotten the number of times i was purposefully rude and disrespectful .
Even when I know u went through a lot pain to bring me into this world vowing to love and treasure me.
Even when I know u worked so hard just to give me a good education and putting me in all those classes keeping my future in mind.
Even when I know u love me a lot and would do anything not to see tears in my eyes.
Im so sorry……
For not listening patiently to reason insisting that im always right.
For putting up with my crap even though u deserve the best in the world.
Im so sorry……
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
So I decided to find solace in Bajpe, a place away from home on the outskirts of Mangalore ,a heavenly place where my dear cousins and grandparents reside. I’ve been coming here ever since I was a little baby. I used to eagerly wait for my exams to get over and come all the way out here to stay .It used to last a month.Every year it used to be a delight to walk around their farm, watching out for snakes (I’m dead scared of ‘em) ,taking those coloured chicks for walks ,playing with their dog, sitting like a duck and waiting patiently for the hen to lay her egg and chasing after them as they cluck away.It used to be an every day routine.
But sadly my days here have become limited- just one week ,that’s it and then its packing my bag time.Nevertheless the trips are worth it ,even if its just for a few day . The serenity of the place ,the fun ,the joys of being with the closest cousins I’ll ever have is like a blessing for a city girl like me and I’m thankful for that.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
It was a birthday of a friend of mine .Me and a few other friends were invited to lunch at her house. It was cold , rainy day and i was more than happy to get out of the house for a change .In fact , i didn’t mind the weather at all .If it was college i was going to then i would have been cursing all day. Well this visit turned out to be a lot of fun. We talked, played games and ate to our hearts content. What I really liked was how her family was so close knitted .Her brother wasn’t really present , but i had heard they loved each other tremendously and stuck like glue .Her mother was so free with us and loving...well, i just haven’t met anyone like her before . Looking at them i couldn’t help but wonder ,why wasn’t my family like this ? We’ve had our share of fights and i guess sibling rivalry is nothing shockingly new. But i couldn’t help but feel my family was nothing compared to hers.
I was angry and furious when i came home not wanting to look at it from any other point of view.I just wanted to feel the rage for sometime ,to get it out of my system , to be normal again. When i did i realized everyone atleast once have felt that their family isn’t exactly an ideal one and the family in front of them is more happier than they can ever be. But it isn’t true .Every family had their own little problems to deal with.So the best we can do i to accept who we are and can be and make the best of it. For me, i believe, this is the only way i’ll survive .
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I was happily dreaming about buying wonderful novels when my mom looked at me sternly ,bursting my bubble and said “Your brother’s college is about to start .So go and buy notebooks. Why do you need to buy novels when u have a library u can get books from?”.I didn’t have an answer for that. Hell, i knew she was right .But i like collecting books just for the sake of collecting. And maybe i could exchange them with my friends .Well anyway ,we went to the place and bought his dumb notes. And then i went off in search for novels .And boy did i find nothing. Some shop! I kept searching n searching wasting almost two hours ,not that i had anything better to do. My feet were aching and some stupid girls were interrupting me by walking through that narrow way aimlessly. And so i ended up buying nothing for myself. Well we still have 1000 bucks left .So hoping that the next time i go ,they bring in some books worth readin!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I have two cats , two brothers who recently joined our family of six including our pet dog Cookie (named by my mom) . And as it was customary, we thought of several names to name them. One of them is a beautiful orange who is a perfect imitation of his annoying and philandering father and the other is a mixture of grey and black ,a duplicate of his mother .My father finally came up with the names Ladru n Pedru (Konkani for Lazarus and Peter),well because they rhymed in a way.
Me and my mom adore them and i guess in this process the time we spent in indulging Cookie was shortened .Now, we lock her out of the house(Cookie is a she) when our darlings venture into our house each time as if on a mission to discover something new and foreign.They always seem nervous and wary but don’t mind sparring with the long curtains or jumping on the sofa.Their first and I bet their favourite station is our kitchen. They usually tend to get noisy and literally cry like babies when they smell fish or chicken. Pedru is the more daring one who isn’t afraid of sleeping on my bro’s bed, climb the dining table and sometimes even challenge my dog. And Cookie can’t be more J....its her territory of course!
Recently we’ve had more cats eating from their bowl than we would have liked . And we aren’t really proud to say that Ladru n Pedru have turned all mellow and docile because of all the pampering.One among them is a notorious street cat.We haven’t really named him yet .I don’t kno what his problem is but he seems to get pleasure in harassing my kitties.But the most shocking part was seeing the murderous gleam in my mum’s eyes.My goodness!All she spoke of was killing that ugly looking bastard .She had even kept ready some huge stoned ready incase he came back.Once she even managed to hit him right on the head with a huge stick .But she was left fuming with rage when the cat didn’t run fast enough to save his sorry ass. And then she told me to stay alert so that she could this time smash his bones to bits!Wow! i guess one shouldn’t ever make the mistake of messing with a mother.If u do, you might not live to see another day.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I’ve never had a dream,an ambition . Even as a kid i was completely clueless as to what i wanted out of life while all my classmates atleast seemed to set their their minds to becoming a doctor or an engineer ,u kno the usual.......but me?i never even bothered to take any real interest in anything to be frank. Doctor ,Engineer never really attracted me in the least .I always thought I’d go with the flow
I was so weak in science when i was in Nasik.I couldn’t even remember simple reactions like carbon-di-oxide turns limewater milky and i used to be one of the toppers in my class. Once our class teacher had asked us a question relating to the subject and i had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.I didn’t even recall her ever teaching us that .The subject felt so alien...it was frightening!My classmates sitting around me answered in one simple sentence and all i could do was gawk at them mouthing the words they were saying too embarrassed at the realization that i didn’t know the head and tail of the subject.
When I moved to Mangalore,i was pleasantly surprised at how i could easily and effortlessly understand and even remember the topics...and thus unknowingly i was drawn to biology.In tenth i was pretty sure i wanted to pursue my studies in that line and even trusted myself not to change my decision..but then as usual i changed it (Mon Dieu!..what was i thinking!).Anyways i thought taking up electronics would be convenient if i wanted to take up a job as an engineer...but little did i kno i would grow to hate the subject
And now,when i’ve finished my exams and knowing that its a high time for me to decide where my future’s gonna lie ,i still remain clueless. Man, what a drag!