GOD!.....IM SO FRIGGIN' PISSED!........
its frustrating ....i just dunno where to go...where to turn....what to do?.............................forget it.
I'm not supposed to compare ,yet she does.She throws it at my face everytime something goes wrong.Im supposed to understand everytime ,im supposed to be always happy happy coz i always look at the negative side..................clearly shows how little she knows me.
But then as if i know anything myself.One moment i'm like this and the other an inexplicable anger engulfs my senses and i unthinkingly just attack.One moment i'm this sry excuse for a human being wishing with all my might to be strong and the next moment i pat myself on the back for being so perceptive,for knowing what others feel.i tend to put myself in their shoes and realise what they feel,then "understand "wat they're gng through and if it was my fault for their state i give up my tirade.Its so friggin' irritating .
Clearly i dunno anything and i have no reason to think i know myself.I dont trust my own feelings.Do you ever feel lost ?As in wat are you exactly?what are you doing here?Why all this drama?Why do you feel like that when you do?
I'm an introvert and i'd like to believe i'm anti-social coz i dunno what to call myself.I dont talk much when it comes to first time meets in a class or elsewhere yet sometimes in a group i can totally be me or watever definition i hold when i consider myself.As ive said before i consider myself free when im crazy and stupid.
Sure i have these friends that i'm glad to have .But this irritating voice in my head ,a result of someone constantly telling me i need to socialize and make friends or rather learn how to talk to snobs, bitches -ppl who arent really worth it or ppl you dont feel a connection with and you can tell right away.Yet that ****ing voice in my head tells you havent tried .You know how are among strangers ,you were never really good with ppl .YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!!!!!then you will learn.Its wrong to just sit in a corner and think to urself."PPl" might think ur lonely and in need of a friend.Most of my highschool was spent that way.I hasd my friends .But they werent real ...not all of them ....just one or two .I was considered a loser and that voice would drone on and on about what you did wrong and an occasional i told u so in the middle .
Is it wrong to have just one or two friends?Is it so important to know the whole world and for what ????Is that voice wrong ?am i really tht dumb?
I continue listening to the voice and feeling guilty and i go and admire ppl who exude this aura of contentment .this confidence....and i just dunno what to believe in...wht to trust???
Sometimes i just wish to give up fighting......whatever i was fighting ...anyway no strength to think about that ...and just go with the flow...NOW WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN???
anyway im burned out ....i dunno if you guys will understand,i'l be glad if you did but a bit sad if you didn't its understandable.ive got issues .anyway will go .